LianneStokes

Back in the day urban teens and "tweens" used to peddle Starburts and peanut M&M's for their basketball teams on the subway. They'd come on and woo Corporate Cathy and Cubicle Karl with doe eyes and jeans around their ankles. I don't know what moral high priestess has descended upon the nether regions, but times have changed.

Your ipod is blasting, "Fix You" by Coldplay as two boys enter. They are very kaka on the table. "I'm not selling candy for my basketball team. I am selling candy to keep me out of trouble." You turn Chris Martin down!

Holy. Shit.

I mean we all know it went to the entire line of Rocawear. But who are we to talk? I'd suck beeep in hell for an Alexis Hudson handbag. But these guys aren't playing games like their predecessors. They just want your cash and please---spare your judgments. Very admirable. But there's a glitch in their plan. Look it's no secret I dabble in advertising. I've been around enough men in seersucker suits to know that you must believe in what you peddle. Each one of them without fail will say, "Blah Blah keep me off the streets blah, blah." Then they cap it off with "unfortunately I only have peanut butter M&M's and Starburst."

WHAT? Pull over on the tracks. Listen little Tupac, look around you. These people will eat anything. They are so strung out from crunching numbers and bad marriages, a little nut ain't gonna make a difference. COMMIT!!! You are selling scrumptious sugar that even Wonka himself couldn't get his hand on. If someone asks, "Do you have any plain?" Reply, "Did you watch Fox Five last night? They were recalled." This will send Neurotic Nancy into a tailspin. She'll fork over the buck and start e-mailing on her blackberry typing the subject header: Did you hear? CC:ing "All corporate Users."

Obviously I've put a lot of thought into the matter. So last week while on the uptown 4/5 I opened-up. I locked eyes with a youngster and said, "Don't tell them that you know peanuts blow... just sell it." He responded by saying, "I got Starburts." I lean in, "NO!! You don't understand. Some people like Peanuts, it's all about the hard sell." He then inquired, "Do you wanna buy something misses?"

Exasperated I snap, "No. I want to watch you sell by believing in your product. Don't make apologies for not having the plain M&M's."

"But I don't got plains."

So much for keeping this one out of trouble.
At this moment I finally related to Michelle Pfeiffer* frustrations in Dangerous Minds. It's like "Il Thicko Head! You listen?" Luckily for these youths, I haven't given up on them. I'll continue to police the underground espousing Marxist rhetoric and corporate Psycho babble till the cows come home. If I have anything to do with it... the next Bill Gates won't be a nerdy white guy. Or If I have anything do with it, they'll be a bunch of kids shooting hoops and saying, "Yo, you run into the crazy Jewish lady again today?" "She's crazy, man." Either one works for me.

Godspeed little Tupac! Godspeed.