LianneStokes

Getting out there!

2007-05-29T15:01:00.000-04:00

Last Friday I attended the delicious Becky Yamamoto's 30th birthday at her abode in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. After picking-up a bikini top at American Apparel, I scooted on over with a bottle of white from Trader Joe's. Once inside, magic happened. I know this is totes hard to believe but once upon a pretty this one here (me pointing at me) was outta a job. During said time I hung out on Becky's couch while her fab roomie, Tom Witte took to the streets- helping me design my portfolio.

Now doll, I swear to jezzy and goddie that I will stop boring you with details but I thought a little back-story would only help set the scene.

Again the party was a smashing success where Becky got drunk and a male stripper showed-up (NOTE BENE BABE: He was a comedic male stripper that looked like Pee-wee Herman not the euro trash you see at Chip n Dales).

So blah, blah, blah. At around 2 AM I noticed that hardly any familiar faces were left and agreed to share a cab back with a Union Electrician named "Karl."

Now I'm no screenwriter but if Jeffrey Katzenberg came at me with a knife and was all "Lianne, I want your story" I'd hand him this:

SCENE OPENS IN A TAXI HEADED BACK TO NYC

Electrician: I'm going to have to get out at your house because I don't have any money.

Sweet Li: I have money.

Electrician: Do you want to see my dick?

SweetLi: Nope.

(Electrician whips out package which by the way was huge)

Sweetli: Wow, that's huge. Now put it away.

Electrician: I want to f*ck you so bad.

SweetLi: That's nice.

CAB STOPS IN FRONT OF EAST VILLAGE APT. SWEET LI SLAPS PERV WITH A TENNER.

Electrician: Are you sure?

SweetLi: Yes, you don't want to be doing this guys dishes do you?

SWEET LI SLAMS THE DOOR AND WALKS UP EACH STEP OF HER FOURTH FLOOR WALK-UP ALONE.

CUT TO TWO DAYS LATER. HER PHONE RINGS FROM AN UNKNOWN NUMBER IN THE "718." SHE WISELY LETS IT GO TO VOICEMAIL.

VM: Hi Lianne, it's "Karl" I'm sorry I was so forward with you the other night. I feel really bad about that.

--------------

I don't know about you boys, but I'd file this under "Romantic Comedy.

Handsome Hanson!

2007-05-29T01:30:00.000-04:00

Hey guys and dolls! Sorry I've been so flagrant. I've been busy gaining weight and wandering around aimlessly and have not had a nano-second to blog. So without further adieu, I have some news of epic proportions. XYZ ad agency, my place of re-employ decided to give me my birthday, half-birthday and Christmas gift early! They invited Hanson to come and play in our conference room.

I first spotted the poster "advertising" (no pun intended babe..) Hanson's upcoming appearance and thought to myself, "This is fucking great. You can't make this shit up." I was all "Fucking Hanson? Fucking MMM-Bop? NOOOOOO! S-t-o-p it."

That Friday, I whipped out my new slim, black digital clicker and was off to the races. I swear to the god's god I was the first one in line. I was also the first one to grab a Stella and ask the receptionist if I could borrow her staple remover so I could open it.

Gurlfried! You know me, I'm such a bitch right? I'm the first one to giggle when you've got toilet paper stuck to your shoe. I roll my eyes at people that wear generic brand jeans. I'm a total witch. Which is why I was prepared to have a little fun at Hanson's expense. But as I saw these three tow-headed boys play real instruments and sing live, I found that I couldn't hurl a single insult. They were actually a pleasure to watch. I mean does Gwen Stafani* play the guitar? I don't think so. But one of these cats does. Now I'm not saying that I'm renting an RV and following them on tour... I'm just sayin' these boys may just have a little somethin' somethang!

*LOVE YA GWEN!

CHECK OUT HIS ORGASAM FACE! THIS IS THE SPLIT SECOND THEY WON ME OVER.

LOOK AT THESE CROWDS: IT'S THE BEATLES ALL OVER AGAIN.

FYI: I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THESE CHICKS ARE. BUT WE WERE BONDED BY HANSON.

I JUST WROTE HANSON'S TAGLINE.. "HANSON IS AGELESS" HOT RIGHT?

KIM DOESN'T EVEN WORK AT XYZ! AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN ''DO'' DUDES BUT SHE JUST HAD TO GET HER HANSON ON. P.S. KIM IS MY FAVORITE. TIMES I'VE MADE FUN OF HER? ZERO.

Question

2007-05-03T13:07:00.000-04:00

When does a circle become too big to be considered a polka dot?

Hey! It's been too long. Here's what I've been up to:

2007-05-01T15:21:00.000-04:00

From: Lianne Stokes
Date: Tue, 01 May 2007 15:23:26 -0400
To: Lianne Stokes
Conversation: Hi
Subject: Hi

I think you're hot.

“Chrissy, didn’t Jack and Janet tell you to never go out before tucking your dick in?!”

2007-02-04T20:44:00.001-05:00

When we think of the name Christine…. we think of that super scary car that killed people in Stephen King’s bone-chilling novel. Don’t we? What we don’t think of is: a bald middle-aged man with a protruding pot belly, a nose of mammoth proportions that wears a grey lycra skirt, opaque black knee-highs and orthopedic shoes.

Ooooh! Do. Not. Let. Me. Stop. There! (S)he also had a chestnut brown wig with bangs that hung haphazardly from his head.

I had the extreme pleasure of encountering Miss. Xtine at actress, Desiree Burch’s birthday/show party at Galapagos Art Space on Friday night. This all sounds soooo deliciously pretentious. Don’t it? Yummy.

I was in the bathroom lining my lids with some MAC shadow as I am want to do. (Ahhh… the things I put myself through not to end-up a cat lady) and I heard a voice.

(EXTREME BARATONE) “Hi, I’m Christine.” It said. Then he moved in causing us to engage in a Mexican standoff for the mirror. Christine elbowed me out of the way and was flicking his wig in my face. With one lid lined, I hung tight. I didn’t screech, “Get the FUCK out of the woman’s room!!!!!!!!” Because I thought that he was transgender and I didn’t want to be insensitive. After all I’m a gigantic fag hag and the boys never give me shit in the men’s room at Splash. But I should have. One thing I do know is that a true Mary would never go out in mismatching lycra and knee highs. And, they’d never ever go out without tucking their dicks in.

Yes. Christine had a boner. It was thin and to my estimation about 4.5 inches. Apparently Christine is a shower not a grower.

Back at the party Christine escaped my mind. My gurl Becky Yamamoto and I were dancing like two nerds on acid. As we twirled and whirled, Christine approached, dick fully erect, sticking straight out yearning for attention. Becky saw him coming at us. Her razor sharp reflexes kicked into hyper-drive. She let out a blood-curtailing scream and ran to the stage. I followed her yelling, “Get away!”

We landed safely and soon Becky forgot all about Xtine and started chatting it up with someone about temp agencies. I took this opportunity to circulate and ask the question that I’d thought would be on everyone’s minds. “Dude, did you see the chick with the dick?” To which each person said, “Ha. Yep.”

“HA. YEP?”

“HA FUCKING YEP?????”

Oh I’m sorry…I thought people in Williamsburg were supposed to be judgmental.

A-parentltly not.

I have a theory on Chris. I don’t think it was ‘fo reals. I’m convinced that (s)he was writing an article for Vice. It’s like when Tyra wore the fat suit.

If not… beware, Christine is out there. And, he wants to be your friend. So be kind… but stand your ground. Don’t let him poke you with her pecker.

What's my weakness? Men!

2007-01-29T15:25:00.000-05:00

Dear Penis-havers,

Awhile back (oooohh let's say a month or so ago) I posted about my new booming business, an escort service. I listed some handsome mens, I did. This caused my boy Matt Sears Forever to ask me to branch out and add some ladies into the repertoire. So (ooohhh let's say a month or so later) I've decided to oblige my friend.

Ladies.. can you come on out here?

Meet Sherry!

Being raised in Alabama, Sherry knows that a fine Southern woman keeps her mouth shut. She opens it only for french kisses and the occasional empty, disguarded box of Swanson's frozen dinners. She's an aries, boys which means she's relationship oriented and could use someone to pay off her car. Sounds like heaven in a handbasket!

Meet Patricia:

Most recently I've diversified my client base. I'd had it with catering to Wall Street tycoons. Are you creative? Yes? Well, I searched far and wide and found Patty here lying upon the Gates of Hell (In front of what used to be CBGB's) Patty was yelling, "I ain't going out like that!" Apparently. Advertising Art Directors, listen up! I gave Patty a rorschach test and she said, "I see a man and a woman in the kitchen of a large English tutor located in Amagansett. He's fondeling his diploma from Brown as she's recycling the latest Talbots catalog." I mean.......... usually people just say things like, "I see a butterfly." Call me STAT. She's so going, going, gone.

Here's Abby!

She may of hit menopause in the early 60's but that doesn't mean she's not a fra-eek in bed. Yum! Afterwards she'll tell you about the time she took a job at Desilu productions and let Fred Mertz finger bang her in Lucy's dressing room. She's got more where that came from.. two words: Mick Jagger.

Hi! Her name is Heidi!

I'll keep this brief:
Heidi, Heidi, Heidi, Ho! (HINT, HINT)....

invisalign

and a waxy-poo and POOF, we've got a princess on our hands.

These ladies will go like hot cakes! Operative word: HOT.

Tap! Tap! Tap that keyboard, L STO.

2007-01-04T20:43:00.000-05:00

Guess wha guys? Guess wha?

I'm going to be posting like a mad woman this year.

Even when I have nothing to say... I'll just write, "You know you want it"... hold you down on the mattress and read you my boring post.

It wouldn't be me per say that would posting everyday.... because my mood swings like a pendulum and I drink. But inside us all their lurks a Positive Polly that cooks, cleans and picks-up the kids from school. Polly doesn't admonish you for not being able to hold down a full time job. She's not a dream-crusher. She'll go to all your soccer games and cheer like Tom and Katie do at Tom's fake daughter's games. My Positive Polly is a little bland but she loves to blog! Oooohh does she! Her name is Sheila.

"Hey, Sheila! Why don't you come out here and give these guys an example of what my blog would be like if I posted each and every day."

OOOOOHHHH here she comes, clack, clack, clack! She's wearing heels!

"Why Sheila you look nice... you're the part of me that gets up, takes a shower gets dressed!"

e.g.

January 12th 2007:

Hi. It's raining outside but as I sit here waiting for a book deal and a byline I feel sunny inside! (Haha! Lianne told me to write that one!)

January 13th 2007:

Hi. So it's the 13th of January! Thank god it's not Friday LOL. Wow. I can't believe we're already two weeks into the new year!

January 14th 2007:

Hi. So today I saw one of those mini dogs in the Flatiron. It was head-to-paw in Burberry! I'm thinking of taking up karate!

January 15th 2007:

When I woke-up and heard that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton were in a plane crash I could not believe it! It's too bad. And, all those crotch shots of them as they descended over a farm in Northern Idaho was really tacky. I don't know about you but I only like to see pussy if it's living!

"SHEILA!!!!!!!! SHE---- LA. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

I am so sorry. Looks like I'll be posting... well, sporadically or as much as I can... to quote Michelle Collins, "You can't burn a bitch out too young!"

New Yawk, I'm screwing Laguna now.

2006-12-01T02:45:00.000-05:00

Who's that NY? Oooooh some dirty slut with sandy beaches and a pungent for obnoxiously entertaining high school cats whose parents named them things like "Tessa" and "Cami" with zero sense of irony. That's who, boo!

As of December 11th (which is incidentally my disappointed grandmother's 86th bday) I am hopping on the Wright Brother's invention and landing in SoCal to work on a short-term freelance copywriting assignment in Irvine, CA. The lovely people that are rescuing me from the bread line also are putting me up in a Hotel in LAGUNA FUKKIN' BEACH! Just last week I was glued to the boob-tube yelling, "Rocky! watch out Cami's behind you holding a 400 dollar pair of cut-offs and a pointing a knife in your back!!" And now. NOW I get to "live" there for two whole weeks.

Future quote:

"Oh I'm sorry I couldn't write the script it's just that a seagull just flew through the window and took a dump on my desk."
---Lianne Stokes

YUM!

Now.. now.. ya'll are all thinking, "Great Stokes, don't let the door hit you in the ass.." I know.. I can take it. But let's take a moment and re-cap some adventures shall we? New York is the alleged cultural hub of humanity a place where someone from a cotton gin in (wherever cotton gins are) can come and soak it up. We are all dogs that hump and sniff New York's ass aren't we? A moment of reflection please!

CUE-UP THE HIGHLIGHT REEL, SIR:

January 2000: Get so drunk in Murray Hill after being rejected by a co-worker that I "Can't remember" where I live and sleep in my office... on a stranger's cubicle floor. Hey thanks, Mark Robbin's Jr. Media Planner- your floor was mad cushy- Plus, your putting me up for the night afforded me to riffle through the dick's office that turned me down.. where I read his diary and stole his autographed copy of "Who Moved my Cheese?" In it's place I left a post-it that read, "I did."

Sometime in what I think was 2002. A Creative Director was fired and had a "going away party" at Turtle Bay. Not the main Turtle Bay Bar and Grille but the seedy dive in the East 40's. A Polaroid camera was there. Co-workers were all taking "arty" pics of themselves and making a collage. The pictures were labeled: "Stephanie being pensive." and "Lori and Leslie laughing." I some how some way ended-up going into the bathroom and taking a picture of my bare breasts. I bound out of the bathroom with my Polaroid labeled: "My tits." An art director took a pic of his bare ass and we called the series "Tits and ass."
AHHHHHH.. advertising.

April 2001: Go to a bday roller skating party at The Roxy. Fall several times. The last time resulted in my wiping out so badly that three staff members rolled over wearing black and white referee shirt and blowing whistles to clear the area so they could air-lift me out. I had to go home and sleep with a bag of peas on my coxic bone.

August 2001: Get crunk at a bday party on the rooftop of "Sutton Place" (I know... I know) and get "locked out" of my place on the Upper East Side. ONCE again sleep in the office. This time on my boss, Sallie's couch. UPGRADE!
****The next day I manage to get into the place.. and get locked IN. As in the door was stuck and I now couldn't get out. My roommate had moved out along with our landline. I also LOST my Motorola StarTac ('member those) and had no mode of communocato. This resulted in (and I kid you not) me panicking and screaming out my bedroom window, "Help I'm locked in my apartment!" My window backed another brownstone and no one came to my rescue.

The entire 2002: I got fat and didn't know it. My Seven's still fit and I couldn't figure out why when I puckered-up and winked NO ONE was into it. this resulted in my attending Weight Watchers meetings with a slew of co-workers. I blamed it on 9/11 but think I can trace it back to eating Cheetos after a night of heavy boozing or two.

April 2003: Acquire gay boyfriend (as in guy who made out with me but was gay) e.g. "Oooohhhhh HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Liannnnnnnnne." he was hiding in the closet with the lights on- the door open and was holding a sign that read, "I LIKE MEN!" I met him while interning at an Improv theater and he wrote for a "Television Variety show" located at 30 Rockefeller Plaza. He was so quirky gay. That's why I was into him. He hung plastic grapevines on his ceiling and when I noticed said, "Ooohhh I see you've found my grotto." He also gave board games as wedding presents to his friends.. citing: "Everyone LOVES board games." Ain't that the truth? Told someone that I wasn't "his type" in the end. Hate to repeat moiself but: AIN"T THAT THE TRUTH.

November 2004: Went through a phase where I "tried my hand at Real estate." 'cause really.. who hasn't!? Lucked out and got one of Diddy's producer's as a client. However, Dids produce was "too bizy" to look at places and had his friend on the prowl. The friend wanted to make sure I knew he was successful constantly saying, "I am no joke." Great! Well, that makes one of us. Once sat at The Coffee Shop with a table full of them as they told some aspiring guy, "Usher wants you to conduct his orchestra he thinks you are no joke." I ended-up putting them in the Olsen twins building in the West Village. Telling them, "Mary Kate and Ashley are renovating the entire top floor." Ash and MK never moved in. OOOPPS!

July 2005: Got to attend Carolyn's baby shower in Spa Ha (Spanish Harlem) hosted by two fab gays that had an outdoor garden. Oh.. also got so drunk I threw-up and was photographed on the bathroom floor with a rose in my hair. Later that night I ended-up in an El Bario cab service munching on a series of rolls and assorted baked goods to "sober-up." I believe I also showed-up without a gift.

Ready Laguna Beach? I am! Oh.. and Cami... text me STAT.

New Job!

2006-11-27T15:16:00.000-05:00

I spent Thanksgiving not giving thanks at my aunt's house in New Jersey. Ahhh... the log was in the fire. The guacamole and chips were on a glass plate and the neurotic Italian grandmother was on repeat: "When are you going to find a gentleman caller!?" After stuffing a few Tostitos in my mouth my sister and I made a handsome b-line for the basement. There awaited us a treasure in the form of our cousins: Stephan, 19, Kevin, 17 (almost 18 ladies!) and Douglas, 16.

My sister demanded that TLC be put on. Why? Perhaps because "Little People Big World" the show about a midget family on a farm in Oregon was running a marathon. Just maybe. I'd sworn I'd seen EVERY episode but I was wrong. How could I have missed the one where they went to Hawaii?! Just seeing Zach (the only "little person" out of the siblings) legs kick a mile a minute on the zip line was like dying and going to better than heaven. Now don't get all "Lianne, you're a bitch" on me. We know I am...and I'm 5'1" so I'm allowed to poke fun at a little person or two. By the time I'm 70, I will have lost just enough inches to insure that I am one and believe me--- I will be quite the catch in the community.

Now back to business. Being that my cousins are significantly younger than me they seem to relish in this factoid. If you know a damn thing about me I have the mentality of a semi-mature 19 year-old at best. I've done a shot in the last 20 minutes and can name the entire cast of The Real World Denver and tell you who is fucking who on MTV's Laguna Beach. Does this not give me an ounce of cred.??? Apparently not.

The following conversation ensued:

Stephan: What colleges did you apply to?
Kevin: Blah, blah, blah, Del*ware.
SweetLi: (Slightly crunk) DEL*WARE? You looking to major in cosmetology?
Stephan: No, Del*ware is a good school. Everyone applies there.
SweetLi: People that I went to high school with that went there were....
Stephan: Yeah, but when you applied to college that was ten...
Sweetli: ENOUGH! E-N-O-U-G-H!!! A fuckingnuff!
Stephan: I know.... I know.. I was just saying to make my point.

A few glasses of red later the following conversation ensued:

Douglas: Then we all went to Matt's and got drunk!
SweetLi: Ooooohhhhh you're SOOOOO cool because you drink.
Douglas: (NOT SKIPPING A BEAT) Lianne, please you've been legal for nine years!

OK. You know what guys? You are totes right. I am a mature woman at thirty. I am going to close down shop, knit booties and pluck my stray grays. BUT FIRST! Just first I have to get an actual job that will allow me to retire so I can enjoy my golden years. Soooo... I've decided to set-up an escort service. Not ala Heidi Fleiss. I mean you can screw them but we won't charge you extra for that. I've been trolling Gore's internet and found some great people that you can spend a night with sans commitment. I'll only charge 50 clams an hour and where in NYC can you get that? Nowhere, I say.

Allow me to make the introductions:

This is Hector:

Not unlike you.. Hector likes to cuddle. Growing-up in rural Indiana (not to be confused with the bustling part where they race cars) Hector learned to "hug it out" from his D.A.R.E officer after he was caught red-handed stealing a pumpkin pie out of his neighbor's wood burning stove! When asked what his favorite color is- Hector answered.. "Neutral. I don't see color."

LADIEZ. LADDDIEZ. YES!

Meet Herb.

Herb recently started writing poetry and tends to his garden at the in-patient care facility that we the taxpayers provide for him. He enjoys malls (especially the ladies that shop in Mandy and DEB) and soft foods that are easy to gum. Herb is a fighter and one day hopes to work for Con Edison! He said, "Ladies like it when I keep the lights off... but I want you to have to look at me."

Arthur!

Arthur loves old movies. If he had a myspace page his quote would be, "I’d like to watch an old movies with you, miss!" YES!!! Arthur is also quit the aggressive reader having just told me in our interview, "I liked the chapter in Of Mice and Men when Lenny pet the rabbit." College grads only please.

If Ed McMahon were still alive he'd say, "Hereeeesssss Ken." Oh, wait.

Men, Ken is bi! Ken loves hiking.. he requires you to pull him up the hill in a grocer's cart but it's well worth it to catch a great sunset. He doesn't talk much but can pull your arm out of the socket and use it to tie his hair in a bow.

Let me know! meet the ladies tomorrow!

I'm so fucking glad you asked!

2006-11-24T00:59:00.000-05:00

Q: I am trying to feng shui my desk at work and I am confused. I am in a cubicle. Should I start from the entrance to the cubicle, or from where I sit? --iVillager txgal25

Sweet Li's answer: Start with the fact that you think that if you reposition one of your three panel Dilbert comics facing southwest, you'll find Romeo and "get a promotion." Bitch, I beg you to stooop it! Really.

What is in feces? (OHHH I LOVED THIS ONE!)

Feces, is waste product from an animal's digestive system tract expelled through the anus. The word faeces is the plural of the Latin word fæx meaning "dregs".

Now you can say, "Those apricots gave me the dregs!"

OHHH! Here's some WAY MORE FUN INFO.

The distinctive odor of feces is due to bacterial action. Bacteria produce compounds such as indole, skatole, and thiols (sulfur containing compounds), as well as the inorganic gas hydrogen sulfide. These are the same compounds that are responsible for the odor of flatulence. (I once knew a girl that had the worst smelling farts EVER! We called them "Death farts." Once I was in a car with her and she death farted! I opened the door and jumped out while she was doing 25 down a back road. It was that bad. BUT SOOOO HILARIOUS!

Because I never stop working for you-- here's some info. on farts. It will be useful the next time you're on an interview or are looking to impress your sig. other's mom!

Flatulence is a mixture of gases that are produced by symbiotic bacteria and yeasts living in the gastrointestinal tract of mammals, and aerosolized particles of feces, and it is released under pressure through the anus with a characteristic sound and odor. (HAAAAAAA!!!!! Do you love how the author described the farting noise as "a characteristic sound and odor?") You ain't kidding, soldier!

Q: Where does a vanilla bean grow?
Sweet Li: Oh now you're boring me! Later.

Tall tales.

2006-11-21T15:41:00.000-05:00

Since the year is coming to a close... let's recap. Here's the short list of lies I've told:

"I'm the chief of surgery at Beth Israel."

"I want to adopt."

"You look so awesome in those UGGS!"

"42 years old is my cut off."

"You named her Darlinda? That's so pretty."

"I got so drunk b/c I didn't eat dinner!"

"I was NOT in the bathroom with Scott*. What do you take me for?!"
*ACTUAL NAME! Don't think she reads this. Ha.. and if you do, girllll!

"I got kicked out of Little Red School House!"

"I was kicked out of Dalton!"

"Then I said to Gwyneth, I am so happy you and Chris moved into the building."

"My trust fund doesn't kick in until I turn 35."

Harder! Oh god, haaarder!!!!!

2006-11-17T14:22:00.000-05:00

There's a guy outside my window sitting on a white horse. He's got a bottle of Veuve tucked under his arm and is lightly strumming the ukulele. I told him to fuck off. I've got a man! Just met my match on "the 'space." Now I can say I'm "In a relationship."

Nov 17 2006 8:16 AMFlag spam/abuse [ ? ]
Subject: Spanking in NYC
Body: Greetings

48 yr old guy here in nyc. I noticed your profile in a spanking group here on MySpace---"Naughty Spanking Stories". That is the reason for my emil. I would like to give you a hand spanking. Will pay 200.00 for the opportunity--no sex---just spanking. Let me know if you are interested. And if you aren't perhaps an attractive friend can use the quick infusion of some cash.

George

My response:

That's my friend's group. She edited a book called "Naughty Spankings." If you spanked me I'd knock your teeth out.

Why do I always play hard to get? Is it because I am having a(nother) nervous breakdown? Or... do I have daddy issues? George! It's not you it's me. However... hmmm... I could use the cash.

More fake ads? Oh yes Lili! Yes-S-S!

2006-10-09T23:37:00.000-04:00

This weekend included me hiring a photog (You cats 'member the lobsters circa June '06?) and dragging my friends into another spec ad campaign for a "Department Store" The location was a friend's pad in the Financial District. When the chips are down and you're feeling blue it's good to know that your friends are willing to be exploited in the hopes of getting you a job so you can stop acting like the raging bitch that you are. (And always will be). In years to come this experience may include my making phone calls to the "people I hurt with my career."

2006-10-03T02:06:00.000-04:00

After like a whole two weeks off the crack, Whitney comes to her senses realizing that it was nasty, nasty when Bobby stuck his finger up her ass. Oh and that thing about paying his child support sucked too.

US online

He's got one ball. Her dad has about forty! Innnntroducing......

PAGE SIX

Hey, Boyle Blah Blah and Strawberry Frog- how about you pitch Anna Nicole feeding her newborn SoBe!? No? Oooohhh you creative types are sooo touchy.

Adweek

What happens when the Big App. spits you out Pfft.

2006-09-28T01:02:00.000-04:00

Tonight I went to The Genius Bar at The Apple Store because my mode of comunicato con you was acting a bit flaky. My cursor kept getting stuck. That fucker was committed to acting a fool so I packed this bitch up and headed to the Macsperts.

As my guy trouble-shot I couldn't help but notice how cute he was.

I purred, "Soooooo how did you learn all this?"

Kindly he mussed, "We got to a three week training."

"Three weeks that's all!?" I shrilled.

"Well it's really P.O.E. if it's not the hard drive.. it's the software."

"Really...." I said leaning in wishing that I hadn't worn a mock turtle neck.

Shortly there after I ran to Best Buy to grab a bunch of CD ROMS to "Back-up my hard drive" as my man-servant suggested.

He tried to explain it to me how too "back it up" and as I tried to re-cap how to burn my desktop onto a CD , I was all "So you build a snowman.. melt it and spin around twice?" He was all "Well no .." and burned my files for me. My itunes were a real little bitch as we had to burn them onto a DVD... he informed me that it would take 20 minutes. He suggested, "Go get a drink or something and come back."

PART DEUX

Now ya'll know you can't tell a girl like me to "go have a drink." I think he may have meant, a nice green tea with skim. Or perhaps he was talkin' about a frappuccino (lite). Instead I headed off to my be-loved haunt. A place I go where no one knows my name. (Right now my inner monologue saying "No, Stokes, NO! Don't do it! " )

I WENT TO CHILI’S.

Oh No She Did-int!

Yes, I did babe. Si, si, oui, oui!

After leaving my last job I was in between assignments and spent my days writing at Barnes and Noble and lunching (beering) at The chills. After a few Blue Moons and a "quesadilla explosion salad” (FOUR CHEESE QUESADILLA!) I realized that I might just get through this life.. like it or not. I also befriended the bartender, Andrea who I regaled with tales of nights spent in "the Village" East? West? Greenwich.. nah... just "The Village." After started my last copywriting assignment I had little time for Andrea and our subtle nuances.

Yesterday was my first day back and we greeted each other warmly. She said, "I was just thinking about you!" We caught-up over a few Blue Moons and a Guiltless Chicken Pita.
Cut to today... on a Genius Bar break I flit in. Expecting to be greeted warmly I was confronted by her male bartender-partner.

Maletender: "I've seen you several times in the last week."

(FIRST OFF NO YOU HAVEN'T. FRIDAY WAS MY FIRST DAY "BACK." AND, FUCK OFF, TIMES ARTE TOUGH.)

SweetLi: "Ha, ha. It's good for material." (INNER MONOLOGUE I'm a one-Andrea customer.)

Mantender: You a comedian?

SweetLi: Yes.

Mantender: Would I have seen you in anything?

SweetLi: Nope.

Mantender: (LOOKS LET DOWN)

(TRYING TO PICK WHAT'S LEFT OF HIS SELF-IMAGE I SAY) I'm of the build it and they will come philosophy. Work hard be good at what you do.

MANTENDER: (SHRUG) Well, don't let me scare you away by calling you a regular. It's not necessarily a bad thing. Hahaha.

Sweet Li: I'm Norm! Hahaha.

The whole time this exchange was going on Andrea looked nervous. Being that I was always writing on my laptop during our time together she was probably thinking something to the effect of... "You fucktard... don't you shame my little Hemingblogger! I enjoy her."

Well Andrea, I love you but I've spent the last two hours talking myself off a ledge thanks to your mantender.

While I dodging little black clouds straight out of an AA Milne story up at Chili's my Genius went home! I blew through the doors of The Apple Store to see my laptop with a DVD he's labeled, "My Music."
Awwwww. His friend said, "Bill told me he was helping you back stuff up."

It was at this moment in a cruel, cruel world full of judgmental bartenders at Chili's that I realized, "Bitch, you got a genius backin' you up."

ARRRHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"A chip off the 'ole Stokes"

2006-09-27T00:13:00.001-04:00

Just purchased the latest Scissor Sisters album via the internets! Later vinyl I now get my mu-sak from a download. A chip*.. I think. I mock my CD's daily. I taunt them with my giant stuffed crab (wearing a chef’s hat) that I won at The Jersey Shore back in '99 for showing my boobs at the "Frog Bog." The crab say's, "Hey C Hey D you are obsolete. Lianne now gets her music from itunes..... from a chip!"

Hey reader! Can you tell I'm a freelancer and am currently in between assignments? Can you? I bet you can't.

*But not really.

Two straws; one linksys!

2006-09-24T23:55:00.000-04:00

I'm at the Lyric Diner (22nd/third, boggie man!) engaging in an impromptu, power all nite writing session. Get it? It was NOT PLANNED, it's POWERFUL and to top it off I'm writing all NITE LONG. But how friends (if you don't mind me resting my creepy cyber hand on your leg a moment) am I currently communicating VIA all Gore's internet? I pay 20 clams a month for Barnes and Noble WiFi and god knows I haven't upgraded to the big package. I see your eyeballs peeking to the bottom of your screen. And, it's not to check out my ass in my new Gap ''skinny pants.'' It doesn't read "Sent from my wireless blackberry." Don't waste your time. That's next month.

SOMEONE forgot to put a password on their wireless. Was it Tom and Katy in apartment 14 H in The Gramercy Towers who said, "Oh we don't give a hay if someone borrows our service. We're new in town and just happy to be soaking up the big city life!" ????

Orrrr is it the burner whose second floor window I'm staring into now? He's putting pins into the eyeballs of his Tucker Carlson Voodoo doll while watching "Office Space" for the third time in a row!

Who ever you are, I thank you. I'm not trying to be belligerent. I need the net. It's not like the nice Indian family that strolled in are enough to entertain me. Or you for that matter. (UPDATE) The Indian family turned out not to be so nice. The dad who looks like he has mafia ties (nicely tailored navy suit and pink shirt!) was apparently angered by the service as he just said, "Anybody work here!?" The shocked busboy nodded that yes indeed people do work here. He just ordered the turkey soup for his older son. They make turkey soup? Really! Oh boy! Here's his latest quote, "You're not going to ask us if we want something to drink?" I am literally swiveling my head around and debating buying tickets! This guy is ready to blow. FYI the wife has not said, "Boo."

UPDATE: It's 4:35 AM and I'm still here. This is impressive being that I have the attention span of an avocado. Around 2 AM I started to lose power and the owner let me go to a dark corner and plug my laptop into the wall. Howevs, from said dark corner there was none of what Bush calls "the internets." All I could pick-up were airports labeled KATE (Bitch has a password so cryptic I can't even go into it) and FANCYFREE. He may be fancy but he sure ain't free because he too has his wireless on lockdown. I got a marginally dirty look from the line cook and decided to move back home (the booth I started in) and Mindspring sprung! I'm baaaack!

In addition to making a lot of progress writing-wise, I also sent out a mass e-mail mostly to old colleagues and people I've only met a few times that announced, "I'm changing my name to Percilla Stokes effective IMMEDIATELY." To make sure the transition is smooth I will have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to being called "Lianne." I just stare blankly and say, "You mean Percilla?" Most the time I'll just keep walking as you scream, "Lianne! Lianne! watch out for the...."

What a way to make a living! (WARNING CRAZY YET POINTS FOR CREATIVITY!)

2006-09-05T10:34:00.000-04:00

My brain is mush! Pure mush.

I'm really looking forward to something big happening so that I can share it with you because frankly this version of Stokes is borfuckingring!

These days all I do is watch Law & Order SVU marathons. I must say I never watched Law & Order before and it is not to be missed. Never a dull moment. Perhaps I should become skitso sp? and pretend that I am the real life "Detective Olivia?" Maybe I should blog a New York murder mystery?

Pondering. Wheels churning. YES! I should. Here it goes:

Hi guys. Sorry I didn't blog over Labor Day weekend. We had to work at the station because as our buareu chief says, "Murderers and rapists don't take long weekends."

I got into the precinct around 11 AM Friday morning. The pouring rain was ominous and only added to my foul mood. I just wanted to kick back and have a lazy day reading Perez Hilton and Pink is the new Blog. My fingers were crossed that no one had the bright idea to go for a drunk stroll on the West Side Highway the night before. There's nothing worse than coming to work hung over and having your boss call you into a long-ass meeting about how some teen got crunk and stoopid at 'da club and now we have to "find her killer STAT."

As far as I was concerned, all we had scheduled was a noon conference call with an alleged murderer that has been mind-fucking us for a while now. But nothing could prepare me for what took place.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and took my headphones off. It was my sergeant. He said,
"Stokes, I know that you suck at your job and in general, but everyone else is tied-up with hate crimes and that whole Owen Wilson Kate Hudson thing. I have no choice but to give you some work."

"Funny" I snorted. "Real funny Sarge."

His cigar smoke billowed from his fine imported Cuban and into my face. He leaned in and whispered, "Someone broke into Colestone Creamery at Astor Place."

"No!"

Furrowing his brow he said, "We think someone violated one of the flavors."

Cringing I yelled, "Someone put their dick in 'Cake Batter????!!!!"

"Shhhh!!! Yes, Stokes. Yes."

"Oh god! That's my favorite flavor."

He lamented, "Well, it's always the sweet, feminine ones that have a bull's eye on them."

"True dat" I replied. "It's not like that whore ‘Cookie Dough'nt ya want some’ is a challenge."

"I need you to crack the case, L Sto."

"Will do, boss."

So I did what any young, aspiring career woman does. I went home and whipped out the board game "Clue." After fiddling with the candlestick in the ballroom (heh, heh, heh) I fell asleep. I woke-up around noon the next day realizing that I'd let another stellar opportunity slip my grip. What was I to tell the sarge? The dog ate my case files?

Even in my pretend life I’m a lazy daisy!

Getting to know me. Getting to know all about me. Lalaala!

2006-08-30T11:07:00.000-04:00

I feel like I've been gone so long we hardly know each other. I know ya'll are always up for a challenge. So I'm going to give you one.

Who is the real Lianne Stokes?

(A) "I was balancing my check book the other day and I could not believe how much I've saved now that I've gotten a library card! This week I started bringing my lunch to work. I made a penne ala vodka and it heats-up quite nicely in my tupperware."

(B) "Dude, I bought a frap at Starbucks and I overdrew my account. It cost me $35 bucks for a frap. OMG! I love American Apparel. Do you shop there? I'm addicted. I thought I got fired from my babysitting job but they e-mailed me! Turns out, they were just away all summer. Someone myspaced messaged me today that they thought I was funny! Wait. Where are you going?"

(C) "Whenever someone disagrees with me I put myself in their shoes."

Pencils down!

RIIGHT! I'd totes jump on this if it weren't for the "credit and background check thing."Oh and the part about smoking and drugs too.

2006-08-08T00:17:00.000-04:00

Found this on craig's little list. $1,500 to live in a mansion in NYC. Pet friendly and your roommate say's he'll be out of town 2-3 weeks a month. The catch? "I am quiet and respectful as well and still fun and extroverted enough to become your best friend if you live here."

He wants the heart necklace. I'd hate to see you guys blow this fab living arrangement over a fight about who gets "BE FRI" and who gets "ST ENDS."

$1500 / 1br - Bedroom/bath in UES Mansion. Incredible place (Upper East Side)

Reply to: hous-XXXXXXXX@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-08-07, 7:27PM EDT

I am a fun and easy-going Single GWM 39 and looking to rent one of my extra rooms in my UES Brownstone. My home is totally renovated and has garden patio with fountain and place for your dog (if you have one). I am renting this only because I travel extensively for business (Asia and Europe 2-3 weeks per month) and would like someone who is very honest and reliable to watch place when I'm away. I don't care if you are boy/girl/straight/gay whatever, as long as you are not into drugs/smoking or games or drama. You MUST be employed and show proof. I seek a housemate who is professional and RELIABLE. I will require a criminal and credit background check (at my expense) so please do not waste my time if you have any problems. If I choose you, you are more than welcome to do one on me as well (at your expense). Whew, now that we got that out of the way......About the house...
This house has a gym, sauna, large kitchen, and is three levels. The bedroom I'm renting has a large sitting room and exquisite full bath with marble tub, double shower and steam bath. There are 2 large closets. There is a working fireplace. Room is furnished but I can remove it if you have your own things. All utilities are included. Phone service can be connected to the room on seperate service. The only thing is this: I'm not renting this for the money, I'm only interested in having the security of knowing there is someone here to watch the place while I'm away....And maybe the thought of coming home to someone I enjoy talking to, hanging out with. This home is my (our) sanctuary so I prefer to rent to one person only at this time. I am quiet and respectful as well and still fun and extroverted enough to become your best friend if you live here.

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Fee Disclosure: First, last and security. one dog okay

Listed By:

191293376

Copyright © 2006 craigslist, inc. terms of use privacy policy feedback forum

Can you hear me now?

2006-08-07T22:48:00.000-04:00

Here are some things I say aloud hoping to make "Overheard In New York."

"You can just tell she has a cavernous vagina."

"What are you looking at sugar tits?" (Mel passed it to me I passed it to a baby in a stroller on the Upper west Side).

"Text me when you want to watch back-to-back episodes of So NoTORIous."

"You can teach a tire to walk but you can't teach it to use Fandango." (really bummed that didn't catch on).

"I get up each morning and take a nice long piss in the pool at Equinox."

"Ya'll I got crotch rot from not washing my panties." (Bergdorf's dressing room).

"I blew my JDate and as he was cumming I yelled, "Guess what? I'm not Jewish!" (Attention all shicksas this would be a hilarious prank!)

"Puufft...pttfftt." (EIW right?)

"Today at Columbia I learned that the cartoon character, Smurfette was based on nothing. Fascinating."

Two AIM names=one stalker

2006-07-27T20:26:00.000-04:00

Dear Male residents of NYC,

Should I become enchanted with you.... which is unlikely considering that thus far I've committed to an unparalleled "mega super crush" per decade... I'd like to warn you. Just like Dexter in his labratory, I'm especially crafty. I've created multiple screen names. Block me. Go ahead. Bam. What? Hey, I'm back. Pow. Zam. Bam Block. What's this? "Will you accept a message from "Lili239987654?" "Shit! Oh no she did-int!" How's about Lili1314672739? Didn't thing of that combo did ya?

Now, now.. I'm totes Jk. I mean, I've never been good at math- so I'd bore of it quickly. But I do have a few. Every girls got to. Multiple AIM names are like food, shelter,great shoes, mastabatory sex and the air we breathe.

Simply a necessity.

Upper East Side kid becomes young vegetable due to lack of yard.

2006-07-27T00:25:00.000-04:00

Last Monday a woman I used to babysit for in my old building on the Upper East called me.

"Toni? she asked.

"Toni?" I asked back.

Exasperated she asked, "Is this Toni?"

"No, dude... no way." (I'd just come out of Clerks 2 and she was jolting me out of my revelry).

"It's Lianne." I said. "Toni?? Harumph."

"Oh shit. Lianne! It's Karen.... Josh's mom. I haven't seen you in ages. So sorry. Listen... (dishes breaking) I've had an emergency.. my dad's at Sinai. They think he had a stroke. Can you babysit?"

A bit stunned I replied, "Yeah, sure but my rates up to 15 an hour now... you know with gas prices on the rise." I don't drive so this was my attempt to be totes hilar and take her mind off the fact that she may soon be spoon-feeding applesauce to the most important man in her life.

"Great. Can you come now?"

Considering that my employment history has been somewhat flagrant, turns out I could.

As I entered the abode the first thing I've noticed was that little Josh was now an old dude. There's a huge difference between a three-month-old and a three-year-old. It had been that long.

Me: "Hey Josh, I used to watch you when you were a little baby."
Josh: "You like the Wiggles?"
Me: "Yes. Loves it." Then I turned to his frazzled mother who was hopping on one Nike Air Shock and said, "Gwyneth said that Apple loves The Wiggles." She shot me the look of death and I did that nervous laugh thing where I went.."Hahaha eh.." and my facial tick kicked in.
Mom: OK. I don't know when I'll be back, so just please help me by holding down the fort. I really appreciate it. Just know that."
Me: "In Stokes you trust. Go be with your dad. We're cool."

After the door slammed I turned into Nanny McPhee. Josh was watching these Wiggles dudes with rapt attention. I did what comes au natural and raided the kitchen cabinets. Anything that I could get my grubby little hands on that wasn't 1,700 Weight Watchers Points would do. Macaroons! Yeees! Twenty minutes later I was nestled on the couch next to Josh munching on what I assumed was an expired Yodel. The Wiggles ended and he stood up and handed me Gumby. Now.. I fukking lourve Gumby. I popped it in the DVD and was really excited for what was about to take place.

But I was really disappointed. The plot line was completely inane. Gumby's mom bitched at him the entire time. She just went on and on and on. "Gumby, clean your room." " Gumby, go to the store and get me milk. If you lose the money, it's coming out of your pocket." Suddenly the picture in my mind's eye went from fuzzy to clear. Gumby's dad had yet to make an appearance. I realized that Gumby's dad left because his mother wouldn't stop bitching. Nag,nag,nag,na,nag,nag! Either that or he wasn't fucking her right and she was all wound-up.

Think about it. Or not.

And, as always thanks for flying Stokes.

Do not speak your mind, it's New York... not America, people.

2006-07-24T18:50:00.000-04:00

The scene was set at Heartland Brewery in New York, New York.

The sun was streaming down...light dancing on my burger. My friend Tom sat across from me... devouring his nachos. It was one of those summer Fridays that you dream about all winter. Work let out early. The weather was on our side. I wasn't mourning anyone's death nor had a pile of shit landed in my lap. Yet.

As I chewed my cheese burger I responded to a statement Tom had made only moments earlier. "You'd really use the term "fascist" to describe Bush?"

"Yes." Tom replied. "He's a fascist in every sense of the word."

Immediately I noticed an older woman seated beside us become angry. Me being me... enticed her to add to our conversation. Fully aware that A) she was a stranger and that B) the subject was politics, I'd be jarring a hornet's nest. But that's my style.

"So.." I not so gently cajoled. "What do you think about Bush?"

The powder keg that ignited spit well, diarrhea all over Tom and I.

Angry Foreign lady: "I zink zthat zou should not speak zthat way about ze president!"
US: (INNER MONOLOGUES) Wait. A Bush supporter in New York?"
Angry Foreign lady: Zou need to respect za people zhat voted for him and keep your mouths shut.. zou stupid kids!"
Tom: But he wasn't elected.
Me: Are you French?
Angry Foreign Lady: He was elected! Zou kids are all the same. Zou liberals (banging her fist on the table) Zou only hang out zwith people like yourselves!"
Tom: Actually, I have a diverse group of friends.
Angry Foreign lady: No, you don't! You use the term fascist to describe people who have killed my grandfather.
Tom: Oh... this is what that's about.
Me: (Excited) Oh! You're Jewish!
Angry Foreign lady: I am a little bit Jewish, my grandfather was.
Tom: The term fascism was alive and well way before it was applied to the people you're talking about. Fascism means someone in power who uses corporate interests to....
Angry foreign lady: You know nothing! Your parents were immigrants!
Tom: No...
Angry Foreign lady: You are Jewish.
Tom: No, I'm Norwegian and Dutch.
Angry Foreign lady: You are Jewish!!! All Jews are arrogant and say bad zings about Mr. Bush.
Me: Wait. You get angry about him calling Bush a fascist yet you think it's okay to apply a stereotype to an entire race of people?
Angry Foreign lady: (screaming) YES! YOU ARE ARROGANT JEWS!!!!

Then she got up and started pacing angrily up and down the street.

My friend Julie Rutigliano had shown up moments earlier. (Julie's vital stats: 22, 100% Italian goddess/ Sofia Loren prototype/ balls-to-the-wall/ from Staten Island.

The lady came back and was inside yelling at the wait staff. I saw her hovering over her receipt. The waitress was trying to calm her down in between shaking her head.

Then she emerged, raced up to me and grabbed Tom's digital camera out of my hands. I being all mouth and no fist stood there in shock. She raced back into the restaurant and Julie missed not beat in following suit. Moments later-Julie returned with the camera, tossed it in my direction and said, "Stokes, you're a pussy."

The waitress came out and said that the woman claimed that we were trying to take pictures of her credit card receipt. Riiiggghht. She said, "I told the nutbag that the receipt reads, XXXX XXXX XXXX 8765 for a reason."

Yep. Happy Friday, 'ya'll. You too down in Texas. Xo.

Hey Anoyn! So did you think it was funny?

2006-07-07T09:58:00.000-04:00

Here you go guys! As you know I get anonymous commenters who from their basement abodes read my blog from start to finish and feel compelled to make my day.

You got to love this guy... dare I say girl... but trust me based on it's fastidious nature it was a dude.

1. It's Razor
2. (My personal fave) Your is a possessive. REALLY!? Get me your name Anonyn so I could stick my little pink tounge down your throat. Then he goes on... "You're in a contraction meaning you are." Huh? Wow.
3. It's champing at the bit.. no chomping necessary. Well, you of all people know that I chop. babe.

Then he left. Poof! Gone. I'm sitting here with the sheets all rumpled and a broken condom.

Anonymous! Come back. What was it? All the attention I get and the FACT that despite any grammatical errors I'll always be a better writer than you? Was that it?
God, I never know how to keep 'em.

Lock-up your hipster: Sext messengers roam the streets!

2006-07-03T22:29:00.000-04:00

I'm a bit hazy on the details of how I ended-up in Little Pole, (my affectionate name for my newly beloved Greenpoint, Brooklyn). All I can say is that when I finished performing at Pete's Candy Store in Williamburg, the wind blew me there. It was a gusty little breeze as I, The Wicked Witch of Nowhere in Particular dialed my friend Becky and her roommate Tom.

"Hey, I'm on my way over."
(Translation "I'll be crashing." )
"Do you want any Polish beer?"
(Morse code for "Hope you aren't annoyed, I'm super fun and not unlike the three wise men, come bearing gifts."

Except for that fact that I'm not a man nor am I too wise. Just a thirty- year- old teenager that's trying to get her life in order.

Apparently.

As I entered a bodgea all I saw was fresh fruit: bright green apples, robust plums, juicy peaches. What the fuck kind of establishment is this? I squinted into the fluorescent lighting yelling, "Do you have any Polish beer?"
Then a young-looking dude clapped his hands an inch from my face and exclaimed, "That's what I was looking for!"
Considering it was a Monday night, I'd felt like I had just met my James Frey. Except when we washed-up at Promises in 2009 and later co-authored our tell-all, it would be 100% true.

Smiling I looked into his eyes (JK! now I'm getting dramatic). I recall us leaving the Healthy Hut and locating a nearby place where we each purchased our fine imports. I reached up into the fridge. "I love the ones with the pictures of the smiling blonde girls with braids." I chirped. I filled my arms with as many as I could carry ringing up a $7 tab. In Greenpoint, the Polish beers are so cheap you'll think you're in war torn Rwanda not New York.

As me and my non-fictional Frey left the bodega, I knew we were not over. After a moment of what normal people would interpret as uncomfortable silence, he asked, "Do you want me to walk you back?"
(INNER MONOLOGUE: "Oh... you want my number. Well, I want you to have it.")

Being that at the tender age of 87, I have experience with passive aggressive types- I offered it. "Take my number, young soldier boy." He gleefully saved it.

As I arrived at Becky's I received a text. Which is apparently the Zip's version of riding-up on a white horse. What did people do before text when they wanted to er... screw... call the person? GASP! NEVER.

Here's what to do if you want to unseal the deal.

Text 1: (moments after encounter) "You're hot!"
Tribunal review: (Loves it!) TEXT BACK: "Thanks! "

Text 2 (9 AM the next day) "How are those Polish beers treating you?"
Tribunal review: (Ha.. still in the game lil' fella?) TEXT BACK: "Delish."

Text 3 (A few days later at 3:30 AM) "Let's make out soon..."
The Tribunal was grossed but I wasn't turned off. TEXTED BACK: "Babe, what's your vital stats? Name? Age? And, call me OK?"

TEXT 4 "Haha Bill, the rest you'll have to get out of me. I'm in D.C. I'll call you when I get back."

TEXT 5 (This past wed. about noon) "I'm in the most boring meeting- tell me something dirty."
YOU MEAN TEXT YOU? At this point I realized that I had a SEXT MESSENGER on my hands. Took me long enough. Thanks to technology we no longer have to create awkward moments when attempting to get laid. If we have no game or are shy in person our nimble fingers can glide over our Razors and hit send. Thanks to text message we can all have big cocks.

If your curious, I ignored him. Thanks to text message we never got the opportunity to get to know each other. He doesn't know my last name which spares me the google search with spares him reading this blog and spares me having to have the following conversation:

"So you're a comedian? Where do you perform! When's your next show?"

And all that droll human touch stuff.

If you're chomping at the bit he took my rebuff in stride and texted me on Wed.. "You in Greenpoint?" To which I curtly texted back NOPE.

Something tells me he'll be back. Well back in my phone.

Donny! My fake ads are coming next Fall. Let's chat at Balthazar

2006-06-11T22:31:00.000-04:00

For those of you that know me... you know that I'm in the business of making fake ads. I'm working on my portfolio. I think my light at the end of the tunnel is a job at a hip downtown agency. At comedy shows I want to lean in and whisper, "Did you catch my Molly McButter spot? I used the actress that played Edna Garrett on Facts of Life!"

Excuse me while I take a sip of my Diet Coke. (Ohhh the irony!).

OK, I'm back. Last summer I came up with an idea for a lobster company that I won't share with you because I'm a neurotic mess. I mean... I need to keep that fake ad under lock and key!

Here's what you do need to know.. the idea is the Napoleon Dynamite of lobsters. And, don't get grossed out by this- it's very sexy.

I bought the lobsters at The Food Emporium on The Upper East Side. I told the guy, "Give me the cheapest lobsters you have. They're for a fake ad!" I think he was pretty amused by this. He replied, "Do you want me to cook them for you? Make them nice?" I said, "Well, the ad is supposed to highlight the fact that they're fresh lobsters... so no thanks."

When he pulled the first lobster out of the tank he cooed, "You're gonna be famous! You're going to be in an ad." I piped-up, "Yes! She's going to be the Kate Moss of lobsters! Hahahaha!" The long line that was forming behind me let out a series of grumbles and sighs. Ignoring his disgruntled customers, the nice man packaged them up for me. Before handing them over, he left me with this nugget, "Listen, they won't bother you if you don't bother them." Riiigggght. Well, I'm not making them pose in tankinis and shades- if that's what you ask.

I then headed off to the subway. The shoot was at Becky Yamamoto's in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. Those little dudes were in for a trip! We took the 4/5 to the L to the G. After four days we arrived. On the G, I opened the bag and said, "Could you imagine if we had to do this during the transit strike?" I could have sworn I heard the 2 pounder giggle.

When I arrived on the set all it was missing was LaChapelle in the flesh. My friend Tom Witte had built a live beach complete with hilar. sea creatures. I looked at the photographer who had just come off assignment in New Orleans and said, "Hey, Ryan! Think ya can handle a little live lobster action?"
Smiling weakly, he stood up and rose to the occasion.

Photo # 1 Setting them free. I mean, lobsters don't have rubber bands on the Sea Bottom, really.

Shot #2 Hansel was instructed to give young Gretel "the eye."

Shot #3. At the North Pole the elves taunt, "Herbie wants to be a dentist." In Brooklyn they laugh, "Lianne wants to be a copywriter."

Shot #5...(As Tom offed them, I yelled, "NO! NO! I'll buy a saltwater tank."

Shot 6: Sorry you had to see this.

Shot # 7 Being that Sunday is the new Thursday. Yamamoto came home crunk and dove into the carcass.

Tom went through various stages of emotions post murder. After laughing hysterically at our dearly departed crustaceans... it culminated with "Oh God, oh God, what have I done? What have I done." As you'll notice, I kept my cool and sensitivity at all times.

MOM, stop reading my blog.

2006-05-18T10:58:00.000-04:00

Anonymous says:

you should start selling m&m's on the train. that would be a better job for you than this piss poor excuse of one. Your writing is condescending and boring. no one cares about you no matter how special you think you are. your opinions are lame. kill yourself now and stop wasting everyone elses oxygen.

Dating tips from a 30 year old that has never had a serious relationship! FOR FREE!!!!

2006-05-16T13:02:00.000-04:00

Good rainy Tuesday street soldiers! Let’s see. Despite not having had a date since the late 70’s I’m reading, “Be Honest, You’re Not that into Him Either.” After sailing through Amy’s Sohn’s forward where she writes about having disastrous dating situations, I am ready to get into the meat of things. Like I said, I have not a psychic bone in my bodice, only tissue paper… but I think the author is going to tell me things such as:

If he doesn’t call HE’S NOT INTO YOU… ask yourself… are you that into him? Or is it his lack of acknowledging your existence that makes you want to be the next Mrs. Dickhead?

Shuffle-up and deal, sista-friend! Get some P to the R to the I to the D to the E.
Stop naming your future children and buying Marc Jacobs shoes to make him want you.
Well, look who’s projecting!

If you’re going to boff him on the first date, make sure you’re into just having sex sans strings. As in don’t sit in your cube the next day calling every Jen, Ali and Ali in your Razor and say things like, “Well, when he left he said, ‘I’ll call you’… do you think he will?” Ali, Ali, Jen and Jana don’t know Brad from Adam and don’t have the answers. Don’t be an Aniston- be an Angelina! If you’re going to roll in the hay- enjoy yourself. Be empowered.

Last but not least, let’s say Tom, Dick and Harry give you the heave-ho because they smelled co-dependency issues. Don’t walk around all sullen and ho-hum. Gurl, you look like a Katrina victim with that mascara running down your face in a wrinkled tee. Let’s be honest, you’ve seen bigger dicks on garden gnomes and he bores you to tears. Pull it together or you’ll end up like Liza Minelli before you’re thirty.

I shutter to think what I’m going to do with you young lady. Now get out of my office.

Wow. That was truly amazing! If I had not spent the better half of my twenties trying to become Lucille Ball, I could have been a therapist.

Please Mind the Gap.

2006-05-14T10:28:00.000-04:00

Back in the day urban teens and "tweens" used to peddle Starburts and peanut M&M's for their basketball teams on the subway. They'd come on and woo Corporate Cathy and Cubicle Karl with doe eyes and jeans around their ankles. I don't know what moral high priestess has descended upon the nether regions, but times have changed.

Your ipod is blasting, "Fix You" by Coldplay as two boys enter. They are very kaka on the table. "I'm not selling candy for my basketball team. I am selling candy to keep me out of trouble." You turn Chris Martin down!

Holy. Shit.

I mean we all know it went to the entire line of Rocawear. But who are we to talk? I'd suck beeep in hell for an Alexis Hudson handbag. But these guys aren't playing games like their predecessors. They just want your cash and please---spare your judgments. Very admirable. But there's a glitch in their plan. Look it's no secret I dabble in advertising. I've been around enough men in seersucker suits to know that you must believe in what you peddle. Each one of them without fail will say, "Blah Blah keep me off the streets blah, blah." Then they cap it off with "unfortunately I only have peanut butter M&M's and Starburst."

WHAT? Pull over on the tracks. Listen little Tupac, look around you. These people will eat anything. They are so strung out from crunching numbers and bad marriages, a little nut ain't gonna make a difference. COMMIT!!! You are selling scrumptious sugar that even Wonka himself couldn't get his hand on. If someone asks, "Do you have any plain?" Reply, "Did you watch Fox Five last night? They were recalled." This will send Neurotic Nancy into a tailspin. She'll fork over the buck and start e-mailing on her blackberry typing the subject header: Did you hear? CC:ing "All corporate Users."

Obviously I've put a lot of thought into the matter. So last week while on the uptown 4/5 I opened-up. I locked eyes with a youngster and said, "Don't tell them that you know peanuts blow... just sell it." He responded by saying, "I got Starburts." I lean in, "NO!! You don't understand. Some people like Peanuts, it's all about the hard sell." He then inquired, "Do you wanna buy something misses?"

Exasperated I snap, "No. I want to watch you sell by believing in your product. Don't make apologies for not having the plain M&M's."

"But I don't got plains."

So much for keeping this one out of trouble.
At this moment I finally related to Michelle Pfeiffer* frustrations in Dangerous Minds. It's like "Il Thicko Head! You listen?" Luckily for these youths, I haven't given up on them. I'll continue to police the underground espousing Marxist rhetoric and corporate Psycho babble till the cows come home. If I have anything to do with it... the next Bill Gates won't be a nerdy white guy. Or If I have anything do with it, they'll be a bunch of kids shooting hoops and saying, "Yo, you run into the crazy Jewish lady again today?" "She's crazy, man." Either one works for me.

Godspeed little Tupac! Godspeed.

Fallen Star Jones-Reynolds, R.I.H.

2006-05-09T14:43:00.000-04:00

I just found out about that beast-lady Star Jones being ousted from The View. At the tender, bitter age of 23 I worked as a freelance somethingajiggy at ABC. My main function was being berated by the hook-nosed head writer at Good Morning America for 100 clams a day. In between boosting her unemployed husband's morale via speaker phone, she'd chastise me for well... being me.

Hookie: Honey, look you just finished the script. We'll have David over to see it this weekend. He's going to love it. Did I well wou dat wou are my wittle wabbit? Yes, you are. Yes you are!"

Thanks for staying in my rented van while I veered off Route 80 to stop at "The Sidetracked Inn."

Let me start up the engine. OK. I know that was weird when I tried to kiss you. Won't happen again. Sex no kisses? No? OK. Both hands on the wheel.

So I was saying, One day I had to work at the view as a P.A. One of my tasks was to distribute scripts to the talent. These included all necessary last minute changes that were made before air-time. They handed me my stack and said, "When you go into Star's dressing room tread lightly. Just run in and out. If she sees you she's going to yell at you." Riggghhhtttt......

So I hand Meredith her script. She was getting buffed and polished in make-up and went out of her way to be nice. "Are you new? I'm Meredith. So nice to meet you." Joy was a little distracted because they were moving her dresser. But none-the-less was a friggin' lamb.

Thump, thump, thump. (ENTER STAR'S DRESSING ROOM) place script at the foot of the door. Just as I was about to break for a run, it quit trying to glue its wig on. And, it... wigged out on me! IT: "You know when you come in here it distracts me. You must never bother me before a show. Get out of here. This is MY PERSONAL SPACE!!!!!!!" I was waiting for her to yell, "Cock a doodle do" and piss to mark her territory, but we just shared a prolonged stony silence.

At the time my inner monologue went a little like this:
A) It's ABC's personal space. Disney's if you want to get technical.
B) You have an arsenal of wigs that make you look like an African Bruce Vilanch.
C) CARBS= No, don't do it. It's 1999, hon.
D) I'm no soothsayer. I ain't no swami, but I think one day you'll get your stomach stapled and marry a gay man. And, you know what? I've got my youth, pride and I don't eat blueberry muffins in the shower. So fuck you Star Jones. Come and get me. Rumor has it you have the time.

Rosie, I never thought I'd say this, but I hope you never ever get Liar's Cancer. God bless you.

And again, Fuck you Star Jones.

Trapped In The Closet

2006-05-03T18:01:00.000-04:00

Back in August of 2001, a different New York existed. Meaning that I was 25, fresh-faced and dewy and had an excuse to be broke. At the time I was shacking-up in a seedy bedsit on 83rd (between Third and Lex). Place was railroad-style, but I've seen tracks on Metro North that were posher. The livingroom was the Hayden Planetarium sans stars 24/7. As in it got no "natural light" which is exactly what happens when real estate developers build a hirise right up in your fo-shizzle. They didn't give you life, but they'll take away your sunlight, you low tax bracket half-wit.

Per the usual, I was out with a bunch of ad buddies one night. You know, PRing the heavens out of moiself after being caught breaking into a co-worker's e-mail. ALLEGEDLY!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Innocent until proven Stokes." they say! I arrived home to find that the door to my apartment was stuck. As I turned the key, it just wouldn't budge. Drunk and tired I whipped out my Motorola Startac (Remember those?!) and dialed a local locksmith. If memory serves me correct, he refused to ride up on a white horse and mumbled something about office hours. So I took the next logical step and hopped in a cab to my office in Midtown. At the time I was a flagrant, abusive, terrorizing "Group Creative Assistant." When asked to fax something, I'd become enraged and seethe, "This is the last time I'm going to do this!" Before stomping off in my Nine West wedge heals--- the cheap leather shooting off sparks and chains rattling in my aftermath.

As I arrived in my cubicle, I was shaken not stirred. Turns out I had LOST MY CELL PHONE IN DRUNKEN DISTRESS. Roger? do you read me? One apt. locked...one cell phone down. Eventually, I ended-up nodding off on my boss' couch versus collapsing on my cubicle floor. The next day I shot up and ambled back to my cubicle. My Walk of Shame outfit wrinkled and mascara running down my face, I decided to openly share my tale with co-workers. "You need to go back up there and see if you can get in sober." responded one. I think my response was "Oh, fuck off." However, I heeded his advice and made the pilgrimage to Hella.

Arriving uptown, I was able to pry the door open. Viola! My roommate had just moved out and took everything with her. This included disconnecting our land line. I changed pulled myself back together and blamed last night's mess on VIVA Cuervo! My plan was to return to work, so I can act partially bemused and hide expense vouchers in my bra. The plan was in motion as my hand touched the nob. It turned steadily with out yielding results. Oh excuse me is my prose too flowery? This is because I've avoiding telling you what you already know. I was now locked in my apartment. The door was stuck. This Time I was safely inside. With no phone. No internet access. Just me, my Moulin Rouge Soundtrack and some dust bunnies.
Being a quick thinker, I raced to my bedroom window (the only link to the outside that didn't DIRECTLY back another building). "HELP!!!! HELP" I yelled. "HELP I.AM.LOCKED.IN.MY APARTMENT!!!!!!!" The neighboring brownstone stood about six feet away. I think I heard a horn honk from the street (the other side of the building). "Help!! I'm locked in!!!!" Crickets.
I figured that when I didn't return to work, someone would go looking for me. But then realized that they wouldn't bat an eyelash at my houdiniing. They would just think I was being cunty. I rammed myself against the door. I turned, twisted and pulled that nob. I cried. I wept. And then Jesus came. JKJKJKJKJKJKJK!!!!!!!! Finally it opened. No god involved. He was too busy overseeing 9/11 (just a month away!).

I went back to work and never went back to that shithole again. Until a week later when my father moved me out. I still think I'm the only person in the world to get locked in her apartment. Please tell me I'm wrong.

My Dealer: An addicts saga.

2006-04-24T22:49:00.000-04:00

Ever grab a Dix Hills native by her hair and toss her over your shoulder because she attempted to snag the last (YOUR) pair of Rock and Republic's at the Soho Bloomies? Well, perhaps I'm projecting- but it's everyman for herself when you make a small salary and spent the last six weeks saving up for designer jeans so you can stop being snickered at. Face it, hons, no one wants to be Forever 21. You never had trouble getting into bars anyway and college is almost over.

That's where my dealer comes to play ball. Every day on Fifth Ave (15th & 16th) my dealer shows up. All the blood rushes to my highlighted head as I see him set up. He gently folds Joe's, 7's, Citizen's of Humanity, Antik Denims & Rocks out on his table.

The catch? My boy forks 'em over for SIXTY CLAMS!!!! When I ask him where he gets them from he replies, "Bibbity bobbity boo." I get ya, soldier. After enjoying the most stable and long-lasting relationship I've ever had with a man, I've hit a bump in the road.

You see, he had a friend he used to sell with. I liked the friend because he'd let me torment him with questions like, "What truck did these fall off of today?" He had a sense of both humor and irony that I related to. Last week I stopped by and said, "Where's your partner?" To which the dealer replied, "No more he wanted too big a cut and got greedy on me." I took this very hard. I have enough problems without my dealers breaking up on me.

A few days ago I saw the "Greedy Dealer" with his own table! He set right the fuck up next to the "other dealer." I broke out in hives b/c I talked a big game with dealer 1#

"He got greedy on you? You made him! You gave him life! He would never be able to steal jeans and sell them on the street if it wasn't for you business savvy! I WILL. NOT. BUY. FROM. HIM. EVER."

Cut to: me seeing that dealer #2 albeit greedy has a better selection. Are you feeling me? So when dealer #1 wasn't looking I bought a pair. Directly after I broke down. The shame! THE FUCKING SHAAAAAME!

(CUE THE VIOLINS!)
I liken myself to a woman that sleeps with her best friend's husband. Do I rationalize it? Say, "They had a rocky relationship... it's not my fault." or go home and take a long hot shower- scrub the skank off me and vow for it never to happen again?

Oh stay tuned players. There will be more of this coming your way.

If you need a shot of elephants fucking, you've just found it.

2006-04-21T17:17:00.000-04:00

Below are the results from my site tracker's "Top Key Words." Someone searched MSN for "Elephants fucking" and got to my site! A-mazing! Must have been that thirty page diatribe I wrote about the 'phants getting nasty! Thanks for visiting! Come back again, friend.

poland -"You forgot Poland" Google Search

natalie holoway Search MSN

elephants fucking Search MSN

lianne stokes Google Search

Total Records Found: 4 Total Count: 10

Greetings from West Poland! We are OK here and love to visit the big city!

2006-04-19T23:34:00.000-04:00

Rise n' Shine, Pallies!!! Hey buds! Just rolled in from Ga-Rand Central to Akron, Ohio!
Decided to meet my PR friend Amy, at Grand Central for several glasses of wine at that bar above.. well.. you know.. the one that's not below ground. Saw Corporate Cathie ( don't be shy! You totes know her. Matching suit top and ill-fitting pencil skirt. Engaged in Flirtfest '06 with "Gary" from Strong Island. She hardly noticed my fascination with her. Can anyone say the words Media Buyer? Their Parenthood tote bags were hot off the press and brushing up against one and other. I hope they fucked.

Anywhosywoosy. You know I'd never waste your Blackberry batteries for anything less than awesome!

You'll appreciate this:

Just rolled off the MTA (11:08 PM) Told my sister that I was
toying with the notion of joining Crunch. Sister was aghast, "85
dollars a month for a gym? Absurd. Mine is 2 cents a day!"

Yeah... but... you.... go to.. sniffle... (Laugh).

Mom hears this. LOSES IT! Then goes, "AND, YOUR HAIR IS WAAY TOO DARK
GO TELL THAT JERK THAT HE (BEEEEEP) YOU LOOK AWFUL! THAT
(BEEEEEEEEEP!)"

(Hates what the folks at Dramatics NYC did to me. I told them, Think: La Lohan!!! They thought... Ally Sheedy in the Breakfast Club. I realize that I had put Joan Crawford through enough for one eve and told her that I made an apt. at Oscar Bond Salon for a fixin!

In Deluth, this means nada. Not pacified, she became progressively enraged. Owning her crazy persona, she started gesticulating wildly. She was wearing those yellow gloves that the kitchen help use in Cape Cod. You know .. the "no dish pan elbows" kind. Very Breakfast at Tiff's but latex.

I heightened the reality by calmly gnawing on a block on Muenster and stating, ''I think S*ri is going to leave the Church Of Scientolo*y by college and make it on her own."

MOM: S*RI? Who?

SWEETLI: T*m and K*tie's fake baby by surrogate from Beijing.

MOM: WHO IS THIS TOM? YOU LOOK AWFUL! IT JUST HIT ME. AND, IT'S NOT WASHING OUT!!

SWEETL: (DRIPPING WITH SARCASM!) OOOHHH!!!! MUMMY! I know you are but what am I?
(WIT BECOMES DRIER) Oh. A fuck-up that left her converted one bed on the Upper East Side for all this? Oh. Shit. Mother's always right.

Wait. I'm typing this at Midnight in my childhood laundry room while wearing my Oliver Peoples shades indoors? Ahhh kid, nah, you still got it.
Li-

* = for a ballsy chick, I am real scared of "The Church" & "he that shall not be named"
"I LOVE THIS WOMAN!!!" Jump! Jump!
- Show quoted text -

Home Sweet Neurosis

2006-04-10T22:45:00.000-04:00

Before succumbing to the genius idea that I absolutely, positively had to go back into advertising, I dabbled in Real Estate before hurling myself into the depths and bowels of the New York temporary employment "industry." If you're sitting in your cube right now thinking about calling your boss, "A jaded corporate asshole" before turning on your heel and showing him up by making it as a poet, think again.

Roses are red. Not having a steady paycheck will make you real fucking blue.

During a brief stint as a Real Estate Agent I had the good fortune of acquiring one of Diddy's boys as a client. Yes, as in P. Diddy. As in Sean Combs. I never had the pleasure of meeting Diddy, but I sure did hear them refer to him constantly. One of them told me that he flew him to Africa on a private jet. "We landed and there were all these elephants and shit." Wow. I can't imagine. A friend of mine and I are planning to take the bus from Port Authority to Elizabeth, NJ to go shopping at Filene's Basement. Elephants, huh? Cool! It didn't take long for me and "the boys" to get into a routine. I'd sit clutching my folder and like clockwork, the Rover would pull up. I'd hop in and show $8,500 a month two bedrooms to the friend of the guy that was renting because he was too busy. You know making the band or some shit like that. You should have seen the face of Sotherby's "Pam Greenbaum" when I rolled up with the entire posse. One uttered, "Yo, this closet doesn't have enough space. I got a hundred pairs of sneakers." and my personal favorite, "This is a place you can bring the ladies back to!" Pamela kept interjecting and reiterating the fact that the landlord wants someone "Quiet." I had to lean in and threaten, "You're not being a sourpuss Pammy, b/c my clients are African American... are you?" "NO! OMG! NO!" uttered Pam(ela). Right.

One day while we were looking at the upteeth overpriced abode, they stopped at a tuxedo place to grab last minute garb to attend Usher's party at The Rainbow Room. I was all, "Hey, that last place is a whole 1,500 SF for 10K a month AND it has Koehler Faucets!!!!!!" Ignoring me one said to the other, "Usher respects you that's why he want you to conduct his orchestra." "Umm.. a-looo, guys whoo-hooo over here!" Finally they rented in the Prime West Village but not before my having to negotiate two months security and a FULL YEARS RENT UP FRONT with an extremely worried landlord. They were all, "Yo, look you can put a plasma here and a plasma there." In college I used to sell my plasma for twenty bucks to go drinking. If I could do it now, I would.

Then there was the soap star. Ahhh.. the sweet, sweet daytime drama doll. Oh how I loved her. My rappers caused me sleepless nights, heightened my inadequacy issues and made me feel like a plebian.. but my soap star was all about me. She rented the first Upper West Side two bedroom I showed her. When we were eating lunch at Josie's she leaned in and offered me a xanax ("No thanks, I'm afraid it will take away my edge." I responded). And, over an Asian seared tofu dish she gazed into my eyes and exclaimed, "Lianne, we were meant to be friends." As you can imagine we quickly lost touch. Gone were my fantasies of her calling me at 3 AM crying that the director was giving all the challenging plot lines to the younger, perkier actresses. Occasionally on a warm summer's night I think fondly of Soapy McStar and cannot understand what in Sam's Hell possessed me to turn down that xanax. I'm thinking about e-mailing her. It's not like taut-faced, chemically dependent soap stars grow on trees.. even in New York. Rap producers, however, are a dime a dozen.

I'm in your cubicle watching you read my blog, Steven B Rollins of 22 Smith St.

2006-04-07T17:39:00.000-04:00

Since gawker so generously linked my blog... my site tracker melted and totally ruined my new suede pumps.

Don't worry neurotoics, it only tells me what company/ cable provider you're using and how you got to my site so you're all still anonymous.

Thanks to all that hit on my link at an ad agency! You enrolled yourself into BATTLE OF THE AD BLOG READERS! Out of over 2,500 hits I spied some addies login on for a peepsy. And, Judy, here (having quit her job as THE operator at Time Life INC. is now working full time for me).

"Hey Judy, do you mind announcing the winner?"

Gr*y Advertising: Heey now! 5 hits!

McCa*n-Ericks*n! You Peeping Toms, you! 5 hits.

D'Arc*y (In MICHIGAN) 2 hits. I want to jump in a Great Lake with the 2 of you. Nude.

DDB NY BOOOO! Only 1 hit.

J.Walt*r Thomps*n NY, get back to work! Oh wait only ONE of you needs to get back to work.

Ogil*y and Mat*er NY: ONE HIT is the loneliest number that Lianne will ever know.

Chi*t D*y NY, Hey! I hear you guys sit on beanbags to concept! Maybe a bunch of you huddled around a beanbag while ONE of you read Lianne's post aloud.

"Thanks Judy!"

Well, it looks like we have a tie don't we? GR*Y and McCa*n are neck n' neck n' neck! Ahhh... Gr*y, McCa*n has always been a cruel mistress to you hasn't she? Considering that I dated her for four years, 10 months and three weeks I too am hurt. Well, not really!

I'm going to ask my readers to break the tie. Whatever agency wins gets to f*ck me and I don't mean married sex, I mean Whore house in Vietnam Sex. Wait. JKJKJKJK! I forgot I need a wax. OK, the winner gets dinner at Smith and Wollinsky's on me. Limited to ONE person from each agency. Sorry assholes! Ha! Maybe next time you'll read more.

AND * is so when people google these agencies they don't come up. I like starting trouble but even I have my limits.

You can take the "Fucking girl" out of Omaha...but you can't take the Omaha out of (fucking) the girl!

2006-04-05T19:17:00.000-04:00

Below is my most favorite comment ever. She's from Nebraska and she's mad! I love her. But why won't she tell me her name?

Fists of Love has left a new comment on your post "The girl's guide to being the best bridge n' tunneler ever.":

You know what? I'm from fucking Omaha. Not only am I proud of my midwestern upbringing, but I'd rather blow my fucking head off than be a "B&T girl". Maybe I'll see you on Park Ave- where I fucking live now, at age 22. HA!

Dear Anonymous poster!

I lived on The Upper East Side for FOUR years. Back then... you were still trying to break an 800 on your SATS! And trust me, I'd rather spoon my eyes out than live on Park Ave, Why don't you move downtown so you won't be so angry.

P.S. You sound overweight.

And stop all that cussing! Didn't Ma and Pa teach ya nothin'?

The girl's guide to being the best bridge n' tunneler ever.

2006-04-05T11:40:00.000-04:00

Still looking for a place! In the interim I'd like to give you a handy guide to commuting from suburbia. Because face it, it could happen to you. To paraphrase Bob Dylan, "You used to think you were all that and now you're out on your ass like a rolling stone." So fold this up and keep in nestled safely in the back of your Genetic Denim jeans.

7:15: Wakey, wakey! As your eyes pop open try not to panic or grab a razor blade when you realize that you're in your childhood room. Toss Ragedy Andy to the side and hoist yourself out of bed.
7:17: Bowl time! Get rid of all those toxins.
7:19: The weigh in! After spending your nights self-medicating in dingy East Village bars, you'll need a calculator to figure out how much weight you've gained.
7:20: Fuck it, you're not showering.
7:25 Saunter down the hallway and ask your parents if they can give you a ride to the bus that will take you over the bridge to the train that will take to to Grand Central to the 4/5 that will take you to your job in Union Sq. NO PRESSURE!
7:26: Realize that your dad is mad because you allegedly owe him 380 dollars. He responds, "I've got 380 reasons why I'm not driving you."
7:28-7:40: Play dress-up. Stumble upon T-shirt that reads, "West Nyack Elementary School" class of 1988 .Think does this qualify as an ironic tee?
7:45: Chomp on cereal while calling local area cab companies! 10 dollars to drive you 3 minutes up the road? Grab calculator realize that your commute is costing you roughly 35 dollars a day! AWESOME! So cool!!!!
8:38: Looks like the Tappan Zee Express is here! Hop on the express shuttle with highschool classmate. Hope that your new hair cut renders you unrecognizable but still feel her eyes boring into you. Firmly attach Chanel wrap shades and ipod to body.
9:00: Arrive in White Plains. You've got awhile to wait for the off-peek express at 9:28... Don't cha? Sure do. So all in all in total it looks like your commute is a ful two hours! Again, SOOO COOL!
9:28: All aboard! Hop on the train and see old copywriter from XYZ ad agency. Twice in one week! What have I done to enjoy this pleasure!? Bury face in book.
10:00: Are woken-up by middle aged man with Morgan Stanley tote bag. He'd like you to get out of his way so he can exit the train.
10:02:Yep, you forgot your Metrocard! Let's stop at the machine and buy a new one. Listen to ipod while you wait for the genius from Omaha to figure out how to hit the words "unlimited metro card."
10:07: You're on the 4/5 downtown. It smells. Bad.
10:15: Stumble into Au Bon Pain, get your large unsweetened iced tea. As you hand over a dollar- eighty, think "Wow I just spent 23 dollars to get here!"
10:20: You're at work. Announce, "I am ready for our 10:30!" to a sea full of hateful glances who think that you're late because you've been having morning sex.

11:00: Schedule apt. to look at apartment in Cobble Hill. Think about how you'll never forget where you came from.

Here are some picy-poos of ROANOKE COLLEGE GIG

2006-04-04T10:41:00.000-04:00

We went to Virginia and were welcomed with slave-owning arms. I have zero complaints. For those of you that are curious, I'm the one in green. I chose green to symbolize the money that I don't earn

No sleep till Brooklyn!

2006-03-30T10:52:00.001-05:00

I am apartment hunting on craigslist. Ya'll know what a bundle of joy that is! When I feel like I hate a potential roommate (e.g. UWS/ $1400 a MONTH/ THREE GUYS 23,24,25!/ NO ONE IN THEIR THIRTIES/ PREF. MALE/ NO DRUGGIES.)

I respond to their plea to tell them a little about myself with the following:

HI! Hi! HELLO!

I'd love to check your place out. Here are my vital stats:

---DIVORCED (Like I'm going to pick-up his dirty underwear until I die! Ha!)
---45/ F/ LOOK LIKE I'M 20
---2 boys (in College. No worries they are total lady-killers and will only be living with us during the summer)
--- I want my MTV! Love it. Hope ur into it too. LOL!
--- Room must be big enough to accommodate me, my bureau, sewing machine, occasional lover, spider plant and Edward R Murrow life-sized poster.

Let me know if this toots ur horn!

Lianne.

Poehler? I hardly know her.

2006-03-24T14:29:00.000-05:00

The other night I met my friend Amy and her friend Traci at Flatiron lounge for a drink-te-doda!
Merging worlds my dear fellow comedian gal pal, Becky Yamamoto joined. Afer downing vodka that was infused/ soaked in Granny Smith apples, we decided to get dinner. We stumbled into Salt Bar for some tapas-style eats. I think I forgot that last spring I was checking my e-mail from the West Nyack Library... becuase I was yelling, "I'll have another cheese platter." at rapid speed to the wait staff. I believe it was I who drank an additional two or more glasses of red. (The wine does go well w/ the cheese platter, delicious again, Peter). Never enough, we head over to Cafe Charbon. I ask the extremely loathsome female bartender how much the martinis are. 9 clams. Check. So I throw back an apple flavored goddess and head to the bathroom. The the shit hit the fan and splattered all over Amy Poehler.

CAMERA PANS TO A CLOSE-UP.

Sweet Li: Are you Amy?
Poehler: Yes...
SweetLi: OMG! OMG! I LOVE YOU. YOU'RE SUCH AN INSPIRATION!
Poehler: Thanks.
SweetLi: I'm a comedian too. I've been doing it four and a half years. It' s really a 10-12 year process
Poehler: Ugh ha.
SweetLi: My friend Becky is sitting at the bar. She does characters! You must come and meet her.
Poehler: OK. I'm just running out to have a smoke then I'll come over and say Hi.
SweetLi: BECKY, BECKY!!!!!!!! LOOK IT'S AMY POEHLER!!!!! AMY THIS IS BECKY!
Poehler: Hi.
Becky: I like it when you do old ladies.
Amy: (STARES BLANKLY)
SweetLi: Dratch does a great old lady!
Amy: She does!
SweetLi: Becky here is great at characters. I'm such a stand-up. I'm so live at the "Cackle Shack."
Amy (nods politely).

If you're not embarrassed for me, please be.

Quarter life crisis plus five years.

2006-03-22T17:20:00.000-05:00

1.I HATE MARCH. I just called my friend up and starting whining about how I was afraid that I'm going to end-up a single thirty-five year old that lives in a basement in Kew Gardens, Queens. She thinks I'm projecting. She also feel sthat each March I fall apart emotionally. And added that "It's very annoying."

2. Had lunch today at City Bakery with my gay boyfriend. He works at Comedy Central and broke the news to me that I didn't land a gig that I auditioned for. Boy that was a mistake. He was all, "I wish I hadn't told you this because now you're going to dwell on it." Oh and did I! Whooo whoo! I was all, "Maybe I should quit this isn't working out." I bet you fuckers wish you were a fly on the wall for that one. I noticed he was mad tan for March! I was so busy self-loathing that I forgot to ask him if he was hitting the beds. Really I mean he's peeling.

3. Came out of my depression/ self-imposed exile and got brick shit-housed at Mo Pitkin's last night. Don't remember much besides eating too much bread and devouring food off other people's plates. Saw some old co-workers from XYZ Ad Agency. It was real cute because they are all gay. It went Les, les, gay, gay. Started me thinking... Why are gay guys called GAY and chicks are saddled with LESBIAN. Ponder that. Get back to me. Lesbian is such an ugly word. LESBIANNNNNNNNNN sounds like HITLER.

4. Day 900,000 of being single and loving it! LOVING IT!!!!! Really men, STAY AWAY.

5. Watch out basement in Queens! I'm coming to get you!

6. KILL ME NOW.

XXXO,

LILI

Oh excuse me!

2006-03-16T14:40:00.000-05:00

I'm wearing a French Maid's costume and having a hell of a hard time trying to get all the coffee stains out of my blog. It has been far, far too long, friends!

Here are things you may have missed:

1. Made "sort video" with SJ Allocco, Yamamoto and Sweet Brandy Barber. I acted as Kraft Services and provided St. Patty's Day cupcakes and pizza. All of which I ate. Considering that I "forgot'' to write a script we improvised. A good time was had by all. The verdict? We may or may not have sound!!! That's OK tho- I mean how Chaplin of us!

2. Today I saw someone from high school on the bus over the bridge and to Grandmother's City we went! I greeted her warmly by scowling, turning my head and keeping my new Chanel wrap-around shades on. After all they are the only thing of value that I own.

3. Speaking of highschool, I was blindsided (NO PUN INTENDED!) by the hilarious fact that I got a blind kid wasted at my high school reunion. Did I ever tell you guys that? My friend Amy Takis, left me with the blind guy to go talk to the popular kids. Conversation was ambling along and I started to get nervous.. So when I drank- he drank. I don't recall there being a blind kid in our class. (We had a 6 ft. kid from Taiwan that used to pry his locker open with a hammer - but a blind kid? nope.) I got him well and toasty I did! At the end of the night his friend came to collect him and lions and tigers and bears oh my was he drunk. So was I, but that's a Monday morning for me.

4. I'm currently having the "OH MY GOD WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?" thing. Which I believe is good considering that usually I'm just thinking things like, "Ooohhh I can't believe Tori Spelling left her husband after less then a year of marriage?"
So my worrying about how I am going to one day become a responsible home owner is huge! I am growing up. I am also having a mini NB (nervous breakdown).

5. Tomorrow I am going to be spending TWENTY HOURS (ROUND TRIP) in a car to Virginia. I'm going to do stand-up in a gymnasium for a bunch of college students! I doubt any of them are from New York. I especially doubt that any of them have even visited the tri-state area. Am I funny to a 19 year old from Tennessee? No better way to find out then 20 hours in a rented van! If I'm bombing, I'll reach to these safeties: "Hey, do you guys drink?" or the ever popular "Fart, doodie, cocky!"

6. That's the fuck all, I think.

I had a totally (w)holy experience!

2006-02-27T18:07:00.000-05:00

I've been making it my business to eat at the WHOLE FOODS in Union Square. It's all bright lights, big city in the hizz-ow. Where else can you load up on veggie meatballs and wait on line for 20 plus minutes? It's real fun when you're trapped behind some harried Jr. account executive who also can't afford his or her vegan peanut butter. Usually I act like a lady and scoop with the tongs then eat with my hands while surfing the buffet. But last week even I took it too far. They have a vegetarian "chicken" salad. I've had it before and really liked it. So I scooped it and placed it next to my mish-mosh of Indian curried tofu with imported Asian sprouts.
As I brushed by that lucky vagina that was holding hands with some tall, dark and handsome creative type I started to pick. I took me ole grimy fingers and dug into the fake chicken.

"Ugh... nasty!" I uttered a loud to no one in particular. They must have had a veggie- hating chief that day because it was really awful. If you're thinking that I was going to tip the scales and pay for it... you are sorely mistaken. I sauntered back to the table and carefully dumped the faken bacon or whatever it was back into the buffet. I tricked all the hipsters by making it look like I was scooping it out. But really.... you know the truth. I was scared of being caught. You know how vocal those liberal yuppies are.

Just like Arnold, I'll be back to Whole Foods. And this time, I'm sticking to the eggplant parm. Oh, and if you were the lucky recipient of my sloppy seconds- no worries I'm big with hand sanitizer. Or am I?

Batter, batter, big cock

2006-02-27T18:00:00.000-05:00

I'm pinch-hitting tonight at The SMUT Reading series at Galapagos. I'll be hosting for the lovely Desiree Burch. Be prepared to hear jokes from the Nixon administration all pertaining to sex.

Come down if you can-can-can!

Galapagos
170 N. 6th
Brooklyn.

Shag haircuts and sense of entitlements get in FREE.

How to love thy neighbor or If you see something.. say something.

2006-02-21T22:27:00.000-05:00

You're sitting in front of the tele. Some hot dude in a helmet just scored a touchdown. You make a funny about his eye-black that falls flat on your hubby. "Pass the chips Lurlee." He mumbles. "Ya'll gotta stop eatin' them Pringles Horace, you gotta gut." you gently chide. Then you hear it, "Lalalalalalalallala! La. La. La." You look at Horace... he's stuffing chips into his mouth at rapid speed. His eyes are glued to the boob tube. You slide on your bunny slippers and head towards the window. Despite the fact that you dropped out of Mississippi State in your freshman year you know that sound 'ain't the Von Trapp's nanny singing. That there is a Muslim Fundamentalist if yer ever heard it.

Even though Horace said, "Lurlee mind your own beeswax!" You knew it was strange when George and Mary McMohammad moved in nextdoor with little Ahmed aka "Maddox."

I feel your pain. I too take the N/R to Union Sq each morning and think, "Should I invite this guy to Friday's art exhibit or call the FBI?" It's so hard to tell a regular 'ole a-rab from an extremist these days. What happened to brotherly love when you'd be able to look at an Arab and proffer him your Fiddle Faddle, talk about last nights game and go on your way? Now it's all, "Oh my god, there's an Arab- 10-9-8-7- "I can't believe I never made senior partner."6- 5-4- "I'm going to tell Bob I love him." 3-2- "Thank god I had that abortion." ONE! Doors fly open.

Take the Stokes/NYC Survival Guide and see how you rate:

1. Let's say it's oh... about 4 AM on a Tuesday. You kiss Amy Sacco on both checks and hop in a cab. As thoughts of Sean Lennon dance in your head you see that the cab driver's I.D. reads "Kaleib Butt." You know Butt can't be his real last name.... Kaleib must be covering-up for something. Your droopy Pinot Noir eyes roll over his features. He looks like those Pakistani guys from CNN. Are they bad? You can't remember. FREEZE!

Now what should you do in this situation?

A) Butter him up. Gently kiss his neck as he soars up Park. When he gets to your building, give him a huge tip and whisper, "I'm your favorite infidel aren't I, Kaleib?"
B) Say things like, "I just moved here from Canada. I hate it here."
C) Mutter, "Don't blow up my spot, yo!"
D) Google him on your Treo.

You're on the dastardly 7 Train. A man that looks Arab or is he Indian? boards the train. He's with an accomplice... er... friend. They each have a suitcase. FREEZE! What to do?

A) Use the small Chinese lady selling batteries as a human shied. That is if you can hold her down.
B) Continue to read "A Million Little Pieces" with zero sense of irony.
C) Mumble "The Energizer Bunny keeps going and going and going...and going.." and other infamous ad taglines and pray that GODDAMMED DOOR OPENS!
D) Stand up and announce, "No worries those gentlemen over there are probably Puerto Ricans!"

ANSWER KEY COMING SOON! If you guys get the first two right, looks like I'll let you keep taking the quiz!

Ohhh did you attend Sara Jo Allocco and Brandy Barber's Bitter Karaoke ball or was that me? And a hundred others...

2006-02-21T21:47:00.001-05:00

Millions. I'm married and have about sixty gentleman callers but that didn't stop me from heading down to CHINATOWN for a good 'ole karaoke ball with Bran-Bran and SJ. Carter had the kids that night. Apparently Emma-Jean and Lianne JR. kept yelling "Mama!" I can't be guilty tho- I never get out!

I don't know how to quit you. Perhaps I can just throw away my popcorn and run?

2006-02-20T21:03:00.000-05:00

Below are some words I'd use to describe Brokeback Mountain.

Slow.
More turtle than rabbit.
Meandering like a babbling brook.
Heath Ledger inaudible.
Gay sex fun to watch.
Jake G. was the woman.

Moral of the story?

It wasn't great to be a gay cowboy in the '60's and 70's in the west.

Stay tuned for my next eloquent movie review. Brace yourself.

YOU ARE GOING TO BE DROPPED FROM THE MAILING LIST SO LOG ON NOW!!!!!

2006-02-06T23:12:00.000-05:00

I am not kidding. They'll really drop you. Now think Lianne, what's a strong call to action? What would make you log on to "XXXXXX company dot com??" Baboon hearts? ... nooo... hahaha. You nasty girl! Think..... What if we told the consumer it was OUR last chance and not theirs? Flip it and turn it around. Get Darla from Ad Week on the phone. I've got copy here on a coupon that makes the Foldgers campaign from '72 look tired! The line... "It's our last chance to make you a winner."
I am already opening this flyer and entering the sweepstakes and it hasn't even been created. Nor am I a man aged 45-60 living in Idaho. But one can dream.

Oh hi. How'd you guys get here? You've just entered my day job. I'm so sorry! How long have you been waiting for me to pay attention? Stanley, I cannot believe that you didn't tell me they were here. So rude. Let me get you a hard roll. Do you like brie? Maybe I could toast the bread and put a smidge of pesto on it.

As I toil and craft copy for mailers that will be sent out to XXX XXXXXX men and ladies trying to get them to "redeem this coupon because it's their LAST CHANCE!!!!!!" My old high school gal-pal,

David Itzkoff

is on his second book
I'm still marginally curious if I'm a character in the first book. However, it looks like he chose to have fake-sex with

ANOTHER GIRL!

Honestly Dave, you could have written about made-up sex with me and used my real name. I'd have loved it. Plus, I would have played along and told everyone I let you hit it from the back.

Happy Birthday Mr. Not the President

2006-01-29T18:18:00.000-05:00

Hi! I just turned FUCKING THIRTY! Eat that for brunch.

2006-01-18T02:23:00.000-05:00

After years of watching it happen to other people, Padre Time tapped me on the shoulder. I'm really glad it wasn't the Grim Reaper. Picture it:

Grim: (TAP TAP)

YOU: Can I help you?

Grim: Ugh, sure! Take my boney hand.

YOU: Fuck. I'm dead at Thirty. I knew I shouldn't have gone to Iraq.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL. You know you love it!

Big shout out to John Duffy who I went to HS with. He's turning THIRTY in a few days and has attempted to upstage me by throwing a PARTY in NYC the same night I am. Fuck you, DUFF! No one shows-up STOKES. Except you.
Here are pics of the night. (Moments b4 THIRTY happened).

FYI: the back story to this BRILLIANT photo essay. I finally finished my portfolio.

Thanks to the fantastic

MATT STEIN

My dear friend, Nicole Caplan who I went to SYRACUSE with and also worked with at McCann... surprised me with champagne and cupcakes from my favorite place, THE BUTTERCUP BAKE SHOP.

HARK, she blows!

NIKKI! You just won my favorite friend contest. JK JK! friend that's thinking about stealing her thunder.

Here's where shit got crazy.

PLUG-O-RAMA!

While I was whooping it up, MATT was putting my portfolio together.

Apparently... so was NICOLE. OOOPPS!

This is what the Boston cream Cupcake that was Nikki's fave looked like right before I fell on it!

JEALOUS? No? OK.

NIKKI thought that she looked like kaka b/c she was in her jammies. So I have included additional pics taken when I was 29! (Of us out and about).

2006-01-13T04:12:00.000-05:00

This is what would have happened to Maddox Jolie-Pitt if Angie didn't get him out of Cambodia

I'm getting married!

2006-01-11T23:15:00.000-05:00

I registered myself and my Biological clock on Pottery Barn dot com. Click on our link and go to the registry and type in our (the love bird's names) Haha! Just LOOK at all that wine/beer/martini items. Who am I, Tara Reid? My Bio clock must have a wooden leg it hasn't told me about.

Congrats Lili!

Feel free to hook us up. I'm turning thirty on January 18th- so kill two birds with one stone! A-mazing.

I can't decide what my highest priority is.

WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES
WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES
WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES
WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES
WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES
WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES
WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES
WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES
WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES
WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES
WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES
WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES
WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES
WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES
WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES
WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES
WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES
WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES
WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES
WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES
WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES
WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES WINE GLASSES

Here's a follow-up email that POTTERY BARN SENT to me. Way to go customer service.

Dear LIANNE STOKES and BIOLOGICAL CLOCK,

Welcome! We are delighted you have chosen to register with PotteryBarn and look forward to helping you create the home of your dreams. Whether you are planning a wedding, a housewarming or some other special occasion, we offer our congratulations on your upcoming event.

With your PotteryBarn Wedding & Gift Registry, you will be able to take advantage of the convenient features that are available to you in our stores and on our website. These include easy registry access for you and your guests, complimentary registry annoucement cards, a thank-you note manager and a special registry completion program.

To build the most comprehensive registry with the best selection, we suggest you shop both in our stores and online. Our store associates are available to help you decide what you'll need for each room, or if you prefer, you can use one of our hand-held scanners to add to your registry at your own pace. At potterybarn.com, you can track your registry's progress, add or delete products and change quantities from your home or office, 24 hours a day.

We recommend you check your registry every few weeks, especially before and after showers or holidays, and even more frequently as your event approaches to make sure you have selected everything you need. If there is anything we can do to help, please visit any of our stores, call 1.888.779.5176 or visit potterybarn.com.

If you have not done so already, we also recommend creating your own wedding website at WeddingChannel.com. Your wedding site will provide guests with a convenient way to view the details of your wedding and access your registry. To sign up, please click here.

We look forward to serving you, and wish you all the best for your upcoming event.

Sincerely,

The PotteryBarn Wedding & Gift Registry Team
Customer Service
1.888.779.5176
7 days a week, 4:00 am - 9:00 pm PST

Those tatas are suffocating!

2006-01-11T23:00:00.000-05:00

What the fuck was she thinking?

If you pretend that I'm 22, I'll pretend that this post is normal.

2006-01-03T03:09:00.000-05:00

I am VERY into POM POMS! It all started with a bag purchased back in October. People would complement the bag and I'd be all, "Thanks I love that it has POM POMS!" Just like a drug addict that takes his first hit from the pipe, I was super hooked. Due to a recent windfall, I've been able to purchase more POM POMS. This is their story.

This is how I feel about POM POMS!

The bag. My first hit. I inhaled. Deeply.

I seriously support your resolution to take those LBS off, really. I do. (EVIL CACKLE).

2006-01-02T22:46:00.000-05:00

For real. Think bikini (wax) season is only six months away. And, good luck with that.

Happy New Year! Roman Numeral Two.

2006-01-01T20:45:00.000-05:00

Last October, I did stand-up in Stamford, CT. The guests BYOB'ed and brought their own food. At least the cool ones did.

I am very close with my alcohol, but I had never heard of MARGARITA IN A BAG. Oh genius. When I left the stage, the girls who had brought it gave it to me as a present. You know, they have to go home to husbands, kids and jobs. I asked them where they got it---- apparently there is a placed called, Stu Leonards that sells this fabulous, fabulous, fabulous gift. Don't ask me, I still haven't been to a WalMart.

Can Londoners get a "What?" "What?" Apparently not.

2006-01-01T19:09:00.000-05:00

Please never mind the gap

London is hands down one of my favorite cities. I just love my snarky Brits. Something tells me that there are a bit less "That's lovely" and "Just grand!" 's floating out in the air. The tubies have taken a liking to their Trans-Atlantic sistas and want more shillings. My advice- enjoy. I found it a great excuse to cancel shows and park my ass in front of Springer.

Rumor has it.... (Get it? Rumor Has It.)

2006-01-01T16:58:00.000-05:00

THAT BRANGELINA IS PREGNANT!!!! Take that Maddox.

Congratulations. I am a member of Team Jolie. Apparently I am rowing this cannoe alone.

Thanks to Pink is the new blog, for the lovely art.

2005-12-31T20:44:00.000-05:00

Hey! I'm blogging from a super awesome party in Miami. Nicole Richie is here with Lindsay Lohan. Say hi guys, "HIIIIII."

See?

I once told my boss that I had my nose done. Her response, "It's not small now."

Here's proof of that. Chew on that.

Happy New Year! Upside down- you turn me.

2005-12-31T16:18:00.000-05:00

Claudia, Becky and I have started a family. Here's our first New Year's Card.

May 2006 not give you bankruptcy, STD's and an ugly marriage!

All our Love,

Claudia*, Lianne and Becky*

*Did not authorize this card. The opinions of Lianne Stokes do not represent those of Clauda Cogan and Becky Yamamoto. Void where prohibited.

Holiday blues?

2005-12-29T15:27:00.000-05:00

Hahahahaha

I'm assuming his rap lyrics go a little something like this.

I ain't no Mr. Spears. I don't wanna hear your jeers. That shit is whack. I ain't gonna holla back.

It would really be amazing if he could assemble a Baptist choir from the deep South and have them sing the line, "Don't hate the player. Hate the game."

Kevin is my demi-God.

Dear ---me, I was 13 once. Fuck you. (An Amazon review of Paris Hilton's (hehe)"Book."

2005-12-29T01:50:00.000-05:00

0 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

vote for paris, December 28, 2005
A Kid's Review
Ok, I am thirteen years old, your average teenager..... I don't know how old these people are who are writing the nasty reviwes but get a life!!! This Diary is not for some 30 year old woman ok? Its to market the younger crowd. This, this is somthing i would buy. Shes not trying to please old people shes trying to please the younger crowd and she does a good job so deal with it.

--- me

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear ---me,

May you lay down tonight full of teenage angst and wake-up thirty. Happens to the best of the best. You. Little. Shit.

Oh and ---me, you need to capitalize "OK." And, it's spelled "reviews." And, "something" In other related grammatical news- "diary" isn't a proper noun. Plus, there's no need to write "this" twice. We here at LianneStokes.blogspot.com hold no prejudices towards the word 'this" but it's overkill. And, ---me, your teacher would stick her head in the oven if she saw that you wrote "I" in lower case. Shame on you. God, it pains me to do this but you need an apostrophe before the "S" in shes. I'm going blind. If you have the privilege of making it to thirty, let's hope you'll gain a command of the Queen's English. *

Oh and Paris, Fuck you too.
* This coming from someone who took twenty-two years to drop the E and add ING.

J What dot com?

2005-12-29T01:06:00.000-05:00

It shouldn't be beneath you to find your hubby through PAGE SIX.

This guy will not use Friendster. He will not.

Son of creative genius seeks Jane Doe!

Hey 2005-ers! Here's a reason to feel like you've had a banner year.

2005-12-28T23:45:00.000-05:00

Dave makes me crazee!!!!

Thanks to my new ibook G4, for making all things Narcissistic possible.

2005-12-27T22:53:00.000-05:00

Here

And Here

You will find that even during the birth of your first child, I am relevant. Selfish. Yet relevant.

Theworldrevolvesaroundme,

Lianne

Oh this Transit Strike is a real hoot!

2005-12-21T10:01:00.000-05:00

I've been IMing with the Transit Strike. He told me things that FOX FIVE didn't!

SweetLi: Transit Strike you are a fucking whore.

TranzitStrike: I know you are but what am I?

SweetLi: What if someone has to have emergency gaul bladder surgery?

TranzitStrike: When you talk, Vince Vaughn pops into my head and says, "Ear muffs!"

SweetLi: People can't get to work!

TranzitStrike: Translation: People can't get in to water their Spider plants and wallow in their own corporate self-pitty.

SweetLi: What color is the sky in your snarky world?

TranzitStrike: Hey, what's up? You've reached Tranzit Strike. I can't get to the phone right now... I'm striking. Leave a message at the beep. BEEEEP.

SweetLi: Maybe it's you who should be a comedian.

TranzitStrike: Babe, babe, babe, you've become so ornery. Remember the 80's? You and I haven't "done it" since then. I've got silk sheets and a new haircut. Think about it.

SweetLi: Not if you were the last Transit Strike on Earth.

RIP I am really upset about this.

2005-12-19T04:11:00.000-05:00

Here's an image you'll no longer be able to enjoy.

Is that Stokes the bear???

2005-12-07T22:11:00.000-05:00

I must love you guys, b/c I have given you an up-close intimate glance of my childhood room! To the left we have "STOKES THE BEAR" people! Give it up! Let me see your hands in the air! STOKES was purchased at a gas station in New Jersey when I was three! My parents asked what I was wanted to name him and I, (a young creative-type) answered, "Stokes!"

Next to Stokes is HOPPY the first Easter bunny!!! HEEY HO!!! Can he get a Wha? Wha?
Yeah! I received Hoppy back in April of '76 at the age of 3 months! AWESOME!

Live video to come from Roger Rabbit and the life-size stuffed crab I won at the Jersey Shore back in '99 when I flashed my boobs at The Frog Bog!

Looks like I had too much Wild Turkey on XGIVING!

2005-12-07T21:47:00.000-05:00

Rachel's 30th Stand-up bday bash! (Thanks 2 Brian Van)

2005-11-17T01:56:00.000-05:00

Hey mom, sometime I like the ladies

2005-11-17T01:33:00.000-05:00

This is the cover of my Christmas card to FAMILY MEMBERS ONLY! Taken @ Rachel Kramer Bussel's 30th birthday last week. Shit happens when you do stand-up at a Penthouse editor's bday. It just does.

Chicks N' Giggles is heating the Fuck up!

2005-11-17T01:24:00.000-05:00

Every Tuesday At Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction! (AVE A b/t 3 & 4!!) 7:30 PM

Jimmy Fallon co-owns it.

And, the place has A-mazing cow on a bun.

Side-T(itreal)?

2005-11-17T00:57:00.000-05:00

I love how Jenny looks like a Rhodesian Ridgeback in this shot, yet... is FULLY STACKED.

I weigh what Nicole Richie did B4 she dropped the LBS. (We're the same height). And, my boobs aren't that big. Jenny, how could Brad have strayed? Oh... wait.. Angelina Jolie. Oh now we get it.

Live transcripts part ONE!

2005-11-17T00:08:00.000-05:00

Nick: How long does this charade have to go on?

Jessica: Is Tropicana orange juice or is it Pluto from those Disney cartoons?

Nick: Your father is mad creepy.

Jessica: Those babies is Africa had some real messed up mouths. Papa says that if I had a fucked up lip, I wouldn't sing as good.

Nick: Are you listening to me? (WAVES HANDS). Helllooo....helllloo!!! I saved more on my car insurance by switching to Geiko. (hacky I know- he said it).

Jessica: (WHITE NOISE)

Nick: My barbed wire tattoo gave me tetanus, I gotta go.

Amazon Wishie Listie!

2005-11-10T15:28:00.000-05:00

I was compiling a list of all the things Friendster did for me and it was pretty short. Actually it was blank. However, I used to spend an inordinate amounts of time on Friendster looking-up old classmates that I didn't even know back than.
But now....
My life has changed! I've started an Amazon Wishlist! Now I spend my day(z) looking-up randoms to see what their wish list looks like. Tina Fey had quite a boring movie selection that she hasn't updated since 2003! Must be that successful career of hers. And, the fact that she doesn't have to solicit strangers to buy her "Days of Thunder." However, I do.

My list isn't activated (yet) due to server problems at Amazon. (Yes, I called). Trust moi, you are going to love it! It's like a Who's who of black eyeliner. I don't wear black eyeliner... but I would if someone would buy it for me. (FUCKING PLEASE*!!!)

*Please read this in satanic,desperate voice.

Limitations. P.S NO SPELL CHECK!

2005-11-07T11:52:00.000-05:00

Things that I'll never accomplish.

1. Own hat shop in Prime West village called, Chapeau.
2. Ride a Zebra.
3. Greet Gwyneth Paltrow and exclaim, "I love your highlights." Later after I force Gwynnie into a few "organic wines" lean in and whisper, "Madonna came over last night... she talked about herself the entire time and left w/o saying good-bye."
4. Make a file of all the times I embarrassed myself... this includes alphabetizing
and color-coding).
5. Bang Yo Yo Ma. Hard.
6. Health Insurance! Oh my! Oh my!
7. Own those Judy Garland tapes where she rants and raves in a drug-induced stupor. (THEY ARE GREAT!!! MUCH BETTER THAN THE PAT O'BRIAN TAPES).

Murdoch, Newhouse, we got the Stokes exclusive!

2005-10-28T22:47:00.000-04:00

My fake Gothemist Interview!

Gothamist

didn't interview me!
The interview below:
FG: Lianne, I am super excited to be assigned to interview you. After all you play bars in Yonkers and recently did a show at The Ecological Society in Stamford.

LS: Yes! I was really excited to have the opportunity.

FG: If you were a Smurf.. what Smurf would you be?

LS: Brainy.

FG: (HAHAHA!)

LS: OK, OK Worker, Smurf.

FG: (CLEARING THROAT) Well, that leads into my nest question. You're 29 and moved back with your parents! Most of our readers would love to know more about that! (CHUCKLES).

LS: Next question.

FG: Haha, You're acting like Angelina when we ask her about Brad... except that...

LS: (INTERRUPTS) I said, next question.

FG: (LEANS IN)If I were the last man on earth would you fuck me?

LS: You're not a man.

FG: (THROWS A PLATE... PLATE HITS THE WALL BREAKING INTO THREE DISTINCT PIECES)

LS: (COVERING HEAD) OK. OK! Yes, I'd fuck you.

FG: How's that advertising portfolio that we've all heard so much about coming along?

LS: I'm still waiting for my graphic designer to finish.

FG: Haha. We're heard that before. Coke or Pepsi?

LS: (WIPING TEAR AWAY) OK. OK. I have a daughter! You got it out of me.

FG: Ahh.. yeah.. OK. Allrightie then! Thanks Lianne.

Fake Gotmanist is a freelance writer that has been published in JANE, US WEEKLY and most recently O Magazine! She won't be listing this article in her credits.

e harmony: Need an insane gay boyfriend?

2005-10-25T00:37:00.000-04:00

I'm "freelancing" at a jewelry showroom and each time the SUPER NEUROTIC allegedly crazy gay guy says "Smoky topaz" it cracks me up. And, believe me, it happens a lot.
Things he utters that are not as funny:
"Aren't you supposed to be doing filing instead of sending personal e-mails?"
(When I go to the bathroom he jumps up) "Where are you going???!!!!!"
(My inner monologue, "To get your meds.")
When the phone rings once, "Got it? GOT IT, GOT IT?"
Told me re: Vince and Aniston when I said "Who knows if they are dating?.. we don't know these people..." He got really snippy flashed THE POST in my face and said, "The more you read the more you know."
My inner monologue: Stop flipping through In Touch and buy "What Color is your Parachute?" Because you need it.

The Dratch Attack!

2005-10-19T15:52:00.000-04:00

If I were an old Jewish man I'd utter the phrase, "Oi gavult!" right about now. Nichelle sent me a little ditty. Apparently... some crazed Rachel Dratch fans google her fastidiously and even created a news group centered around their darling. Here's where I come in. Back in the Summer of '69, I got a little tipsy at Carolyn Castiglia's baby roast. She blogged about it...calling her post, "Rachel Dratch* Puked at My Baby Shower" and even posted few glamour shots of me perched over the bowl. Come October, we've got a RD fan discovering the blog entry. The fan even went as far as saying that she has no idea how she found the blog. Maybe b/c you googled, "RACHEL DRATCH?" Just maybe. Jerk. Anyway she posted the link and my pic. and now they are all weighing...in. I'm not reading it anymore for fear that my gigantic self-image will be knocked down a peg by their comments. I stopped reading when one fan cited that I looked like Britney Murphy. (POST CLUELESS). Enjoy! I can't generate a direct link. Just cut n paste. I'm sure Rachel would be horrified.
http://sunflowrcreations.com/rachelboard/viewtopic.php?p=2855

*My fab. gay-boy Paul Case calls me Dratch. As do many others. They think I resemble her. (A MUCH HOTTER VERSION) They always say, "Lianne, if RD was a model... that's you." ;-)

Things I accomplished this past summer!

2005-10-12T10:16:00.000-04:00

1. Read Harry Potter 2, 3 and 4!
2. Accepted temp. job at "Corporate Express." Kept answering phones,"Corporate Exchange." OOOPS!
3. Stopped paying bills.
4. Returned multiple books at Barnes & Noble in exchange for CD's.
5. Drank Miller (Genuine Draft) from father's stash in childhood room.
6. Became increasingly ornery.
7. Google watch: 8 PAGES!!!!!
8. Had abdominal pain. No medical insurance. Ruled out (Eptopic pregnancy & a Goyder... popped an Advil.
9. Thought, "Strom Thurmond was a real penis."
9. Decided that the time had come for me to go back into advertising.

Things n' stuff and more! Oh will I ever get a job so I can no longer blog..?

2005-10-10T16:04:00.000-04:00

Eh... that title was pushing it but I'm sticking with it.

Everyone is buzzing about how Toni Colette alla "In Her Shoes" closely resembles Tina Fey like they were the first person to make this observation. Three people said to me yesterday, (to be read in retarded voice)"Did you see In Her Shoes? Doesn't Toni C. look like..."

OK I GET IT. And, I just heard back from Tina. She say's, "SUCK IT."

Pineapples... Who here likes 'em? I only enjoy pineapples cooked.

Carolyn's baybay.... is seriously NEVER coming! If I get knocked-up I'm having Cousin It at 8 weeks. I'll carry around that clump of cells like a badge of honor. After all mama needs a class of Pinot.

Apples.. only them with peanut butter.

As for this week I'll be on the Joey Reynolds show/ 710 AM 1 AM Oct. 12th (really the 13th) with Fiona Walsh.... and Thursday with my favorite little pretty, Double C: Claudia Cogan @ the Graham Lounge in Billyburg.

That's all Starfuckers. I think we've both had enough.

What!?

2005-10-10T14:08:00.000-04:00

Am I back?! Not really. Let me fill you in on what you may have missed:

My friend Jess had her going away party b/c she's moving from XYZ AD Agency to ABC Ad Agency. I attended the bash at the illustrious EL RIO GRANDE in NYC's Murray Hill and ohhh boy did I get drunk. I'm sure the general public will back me up that Rio Grande's margaritas are toxic, lethal, grain alcohol venom. Which in my head is all the more reason to drink three.

I kept going up to the woman that once hired me back in '99 and thanking her for hiring me. I'm sure she found me to be a gigantic asset. Apparently my "camera wuz there" b/c there are a bunch of pictures of me and some old co-workers that I never knew well and they look rather annoyed. The buck didn't stop there. We took a cab downtown to someone's apartment where I proceeded to wake-up his roommates by bursting into their rooms thinking it was the bathroom. Then I started fighting with the "guy" who lived in the apartment. Don't bring a circus back to your place if you have roomies, buddy.

Eventually I was thrown in a cab. I boarded a train to White Plains (why? Why not!) The conductor was all, "You're not on the right train.. do you want to get off?" I was all, "Nah."

This is when I met Scott Peterson. Well, a young dude who offered to drive me home. MacGruff The Crime Dog failed to pop into my head and I obliged. After three minutes in his car- I realized that this was not such a great idea and hopped out. My driver crossed the bridge and rescued me. I'm glad I didn't end up like that Natalie Holoway sp? chick or the new dead chick Taylor something that Nancy Grace is always yammering about. There is a Jesus.

P.S. Scott Peterson is still calling me! I'm glad I gave him my contact info.

2005-09-21T14:06:00.000-04:00

I had 2 hours of sleep last night. I am running on pure caffeine. I
did the whole thing where I laid down on my childhood driveway and
stared at the moon. (I also may have stolen whisky from my dad's
liqueur cabinet and diluted it with Poland Springs and smoked a pack
of cigarettes) I'm saying maybe. I slept past my alarm and when I
woke, I thought "Oh, Lianne! The drama.. the drama." I just love
drama.

A belated thanks to:

2005-09-19T04:18:00.000-04:00

Jen Dziura

for hosting an awesome show featuring Ophira Eisenberg, who has appeared on Comedy Central's Premium Blend and is about to tour with "Nice Jewish Girls Gone Bad." And, Baron Vaughn (sp??)(google it) (who runs a kickass show at Galapagos, called "I can't believe it's not Manhattan" and is all over 'da place).

I always have a great time performing in Williamsburg and love the Brooklyn peeps. Thanks for being so kind.

I am planning to produce a XMAS show @ Pete's Candy Store in December. I'd tell you to check your local listings.. But they won't be there. LOL! Hi-larious!

My response to the spam refugee camp:

2005-09-19T03:15:00.000-04:00

(My friend Jessica questioned if this was real... the sad thing is that it is!) Have a blast haters! I still have yet to get a response. Just like everyone... she's after my money.

Heeeey Sandra!

This is a first. I've never gotten SPAM from a refugee camp. It' s
A-mazing that you are a refugee-yet have a Internet access. I don't
even own my own computer. And... I am sort of a writer! Listen, as
much as I am simply chomping at the bit to throw you and your third
world country pals some cash, I can't.

You see, I left Madison Ave. in pursuit of my dreams and it's not
going too well. I haven't paid my MasterCard in 8 months and my
occasional temp. job salary (13/hr) isn't going to float your village.
You write of your life being like a prison. I can relate. I used to
expense lunch and buy Juicy Couture on a whim, now I live at home and
dine my mom's frozen Lean Cuisine dinners. (I'm almost thirty).

Sandy, you best send this to someone on Wall St!

XXXX OOOOO,

Lianne-

P.S. I have a blog! www.liannestokes.blogspot.com

- Show quoted text -

On 9/17/05, sandra5 mendes wrote:
>
>
>
> Dear,
>
> Good morning to you and how are you getting on?.I do hope that you are
> catching up with the goodies of the day in full.Mine here is very hot and
> like you know we are living in the refugee camp here in Dakar Senegal.
> In this camp we are only allowed to go out only on Mondays and Friday's of
> the weeks. Its just like one staying in the prison and i hope by Gods grace
> i will come out here soon.We don't have any relatives now whom we can go to
> all our relatives ran away in the middle of the war the only person we have
> now is Rev Godwin Orji who is the pastor of the (Christ The King Church)
> here in the camp he has been very nice to me since i came here but i am not
> living with him rather i am leaving in the women's hostel because the camp
> have two hostels one for men the other for women.
>
> As a refugee here i don't have any right or privilege to any thing be it
> money or whatever because it is against the law of this country.I want to go
> back to my studies because i only attended my first year before the tragic
> incident that lead to my being in this situation now took place.Please
> listen to this,i have my late father's statement of account and death
> certificate here with me which i will send to you latter,because when he was
> alive he deposited some amount of money which he used my name as the next of
> kin,the amount in question is $3.5M(Three Million five Hundred Thousand
> Dollars).
>
> So i will like you to help me transfer this money to your account and from
> it you can send some money for me to get my travelling documents and air
> ticket to come over to meet with you.I kept this secret to people in the
> camp here the only person that knows about it is the Reverend because he is
> like a father to me. So in the light of above i will like you to keep it to
> yourself and don't tell it to anyone for i am afraid of loosing my life and
> the money if people gets to know about it. Remember i am giving you all this
> information due to the trust i deposed on you.I like honest and
> understanding people,truthful and a man of vision,truth and hardworking. My
> favourite language is English but our language is french but i speak English
> very fluently.Reply me this email and I will give further details.
>
> Awaiting to hear from you soonest
> Yours ,
> Miss.Sandra Mendes
>
> Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com
>
> Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com
>
>

Fallin' in Luv.

2005-09-18T00:59:00.000-04:00

I'm putting a fake engagement ad in the NY Times. That way- I can have a fake shower and you guys can all come and watch me open gifts like mixing bowls and blenders for three whole hours. AWESOME!

SPAM THIS. And, it's real.

2005-09-18T00:46:00.000-04:00

Dear,

Good morning to you and how are you getting on?.I do hope that you are catching up with the goodies of the day in full.Mine here is very hot and like you know we are living in the refugee camp here in Dakar Senegal.
In this camp we are only allowed to go out only on Mondays and Friday's of the weeks. Its just like one staying in the prison and i hope by Gods grace i will come out here soon.We don't have any relatives now whom we can go to all our relatives ran away in the middle of the war the only person we have now is Rev Godwin Orji who is the pastor of the (Christ The King Church) here in the camp he has been very nice to me since i came here but i am not living with him rather i am leaving in the women's hostel because the camp have two hostels one for men the other for women.

As a refugee here i don't have any right or privilege to any thing be it money or whatever because it is against the law of this country.I want to go back to my studies because i only attended my first year before the tragic incident that lead to my being in this situation now took place.Please listen to this,i have my late father's statement of account and death certificate here with me which i will send to you latter,because when he was alive he deposited some amount of money which he used my name as the next of kin,the amount in question is $3.5M(Three Million five Hundred Thousand Dollars).

So i will like you to help me transfer this money to your account and from it you can send some money for me to get my travelling documents and air ticket to come over to meet with you.I kept this secret to people in the camp here the only person that knows about it is the Reverend because he is like a father to me. So in the light of above i will like you to keep it to yourself and don't tell it to anyone for i am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it. Remember i am giving you all this information due to the trust i deposed on you.I like honest and understanding people,truthful and a man of vision,truth and hardworking. My favourite language is English but our language is french but i speak English very fluently.Reply me this email and I will give further details.

Awaiting to hear from you soonest
Yours ,
Miss.Sandra Mendes

Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

Send instant messages to your online friends http://au.messenger.yahoo.com

2005-09-02T11:32:00.000-04:00

Does anyone want to hang out on Tuesday and make fun of people that wear white? Lemme know.

From Gawker:

2005-09-02T09:54:00.000-04:00

Was it possible for us to love Anderson Cooper more than we already did? Yes, it turns it out, it was possible. Our love grew at about 7:30 last night, in the middle of 360°, when Coop, who’s been in New Orleans for days, finally, well, flipped out. Mad as hell, you say? Madder. He was talking to Sen. Mary Landrieu, Democrat of Louisiana, and we can bet she’s not going on his show again soon. Round one:

COOPER: Does the federal government bear responsibility for what is happening now? Should they apologize for what is happening now?

LANDRIEU: Anderson, there will be plenty of time to discuss all of those issues, about why, and how, and what, and if. … Let me just say a few things. Thank President Clinton and former President Bush for their strong statements of support and comfort today. … I want to thank Senator Frist and Senator Reid for their extraordinary efforts.

Anderson, tonight, I don’t know if you’ve heard — maybe you all have announced it — but Congress is going to an unprecedented session to pass a $10 billion supplemental bill tonight to keep FEMA and the Red Cross up and operating.

COOPER: … I haven’t heard that, because, for the last four days, I’ve been seeing dead bodies in the streets here in Mississippi. And to listen to politicians thanking each other and complimenting each other, you know, I got to tell you, there are a lot of people here who are very upset, and very angry, and very frustrated.

And when they hear politicians slap — you know, thanking one another, it just, you know, it kind of cuts them the wrong way right now. Because literally there was a body on the streets of this town yesterday being eaten by rats, because this woman had been laying in the street for 48 hours. And there’s not enough facilities to take her up.

Do you get the anger that is out here?

Does she get the anger? Does she? (And will she thank another politician? Of course she will.) After the jump, Anderson whups some more senatorial ass — and we finally start feeling just a touch less embarrassed to be citizens of this banana republic.

LANDRIEU: Anderson, I have the anger inside of me. Most of the homes in my family have been destroyed. Our homes have been destroyed. I understand what you’re saying, and I know all of those details. And the president of the United States knows those details.

COOPER: Well, who are you angry at?

LANDRIEU: I’m not angry at anyone. I’m just expressing that it is so important for everyone in this nation to pull together, for all military assets and all assets to be brought to bear in this situation.

And I have every confidence that this country is as great and as strong as we can be do to that. And that effort is under way.
COOPER: Well, I mean, there are a lot of people here who are kind of ashamed of what is happening in this country right now, what is — ashamed of what is happening in your state, certainly.

And that’s not to blame the people who are there. It’s a desperate situation. But I guess, you know, who can — I mean, no one seems to be taking responsibility.

I mean, I know you say there’s a time and a place for, kind of, you know, looking back, but this seems to be the time and the place. I mean, there are people who want answers, and there are people who want someone to stand up and say, “You know what? We should have done more. Are all the assets being brought to bear?”

LANDRIEU: Anderson, Anderson…

COOPER: I mean, today, for the first time, I’m seeing National Guard troops in this town.

LANDRIEU: Anderson, I know. And I know where you are. And I know what you’re seeing. Believe me, we know it. And we understand, and there will be a time to talk about all of that. Trust me.

I know what the people are suffering. The governor knows. The president knows. The military officials know. And they’re trying to do the very best they can to stabilize the situation.

Senator Vitter, our congressional delegation, all of us understand what is happening. We are doing our very, very best to get the situation under control.

But I want to thank the president. He will be here tomorrow, we think. And the military is sending assets as we speak.

So, please, I understand. You might say I’m a politician, but I grew up in New Orleans. My father was the mayor of that city. I’ve represented that city my whole life, and it’s just not New Orleans. It’s St. Bernard, and St. Tammany, and Plaquemines Parish that have been completely underwater.

Our levee system has failed. We need a lot of help. And the Congress has been wonderful to help us, and we need more help.

Nobody’s perfect, Anderson. Everybody has to stand up here. And I know you understand. So thank you so much for everything you’re doing.

COOPER: Well, I appreciate you joining us on the program tonight. I can only imagine how busy you are. Thank you very much, Senator Landrieu.

LANDRIEU: Thank you, Anderson. Thank you so much. Thank you.

COOPER: And good luck to you and all the people working to solve this problem. Because, at this point, it is very hard to try to figure our how this problem is going to get solved.

TVNewserKatrina: Anderson Berates Senator Landrieu

Awkward Corporate Moments II. Brought to you by .......

2005-09-01T14:51:00.000-04:00

Ronald: Did you hear about the new hire? She's Indian! We're really excited to have someone of another race and culture on staff.

Ginny: Is this why I haven't been promoted?

Ronald: I CC:'d HR RE: "YOUR PROMOTION." I'm waiting on some budgets approvals from
our office out of Detroit. Gosh, it's windy out today. I had Mexican for lunch. It was too spicy. (CHUCKLE) Can you get Karen Arcakn on the line for me? Tell her I need the spreadsheets for the Dickenson proposal ASAP. Ginny? Er... Hello?

(GUNSHOT)

(FADE TO BLACK). LOL!

We couldn't find a sponsor for this one!

Awkward Corporate Moments. Brought to you by The Frito Lay Co.

2005-09-01T11:28:00.000-04:00

Bob: (IN A FRENZY) Bill, if I could just have a moment I er..
(DROPS HIS YELLOW FOLDER , PAPERS FLY EVERYWHERE).

Bill: (WEARING HIS SVP, MARKETING BADGE) Hi, Bob. I'd love to why don't you make
an appointment with Patty? (RUSHES OFF).

Bob: (UNDER HIS BREATH) Thanks for helping me pick-up the papers, asshole.

And now a word from our sponsor!

A message from Norway!

2005-09-01T11:19:00.000-04:00

De Fur durpan surpin yer ar derpin! Ar de muster yar. Slurpin derpin yar yar.

Does anyone know....

2005-08-31T01:44:00.000-04:00

WHY THE FUCK MY CALENDAR AND LINKS ARE ALLLLL THE WAY DOWN ON THE BOTTOM OF THE BLOG? It's driving me more nuts!

Ya gotta go sometime!

2005-08-29T01:32:00.000-04:00

Here are some obituaries of types/ people I dan't care for:

Arrogant comic: 1979-2062

comedian,writer,producer,activist,artist,playwright,enthusiast,
sculptor,orator,speed boat racer and sometimes parent passed away
Saturday night telling jokes in front of his/her bathroom mirror.
He/She will be sorely missed by people that no longer have the luxury
of asking him/her for spots. Face it, shit flows down hill and some people
looove to eat doodie. Funeral services will be held in both the East Village
and Williamsburg. Donations are to be made to the afterlife.

Cocky Ad Hack: 1951-2038

Cocky Ad Hack died suddenly after hearing that the "Can you hear me now?" guy just signed a multi-million dollar deal with TriStar Pictures and no longer wants to be in his commercials. Noted for his stoicism, it took days before people realized he had passed. He is survived my his wife, three kids and free subscription to "Advertising Age." The post production facilities rang his wife's phone off the hook offering their condolences, free lunch menu and his invite to their "kick ass XMAS party!"

Betsy Bower:

Betsy was a girl I had acting class with as a child. She was not very nice to your little Lili! She thought she was Kate Hepburn, but everyone knew that she was Judith Light on a good day. My estimation is that Betsy went on to attend a State School, marry young and is now propped-up on her "pregnancy pillow." (Castiglia, I know that you have your middle finger flying in my direction// per our recent convo. this should not be taken personally. I can't resist an opportunity to tear down a childhood nemesis. Plus, I'm sure her baby's ugly).

Betsy Bower died while directing "Humpty Dumpty" at Scarsdale High School. It was rumored that she was tripped by an eight-year-old that plays "One of the Kings Men." The young lad reportedly took offense to her comment that Lee Strasburg's teachings were not evident in his work. An adolescent who plays "One of the King's horses" came to the boy's defense by stating, "Mrs. Bower choked on a Krispy Kreme. Plus, she's a real bitch." We are awaiting autopsy results. Betsy is survived by her three children and a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel aptly named, "Betsy."

She said it!

2005-08-26T21:27:00.000-04:00

Congrats go out to my favorite black girl, Michelle Buteau. Michie B. as the flavors like to call her made her Comedy Central debut last night on Premium Blend. It's set to air in September, hommies. Check it. I was in the audience. A friend came up to me and commented on how I scowled the entire time (Me? NEEVER!) and laughed that despite it being 7PM and indoors.... my trademark Channels remained propped-up on my head.

I detest thumbnails, esp. yours (in my food).

2005-08-14T04:46:00.000-04:00

On the bill: TODD LEVIN (PREMIUM BLEND)
AMANDA MELSON
JOE DeVITO
and more.

2005-08-14T04:45:00.000-04:00

I am the proud mama of a show in the New York Underground Comedy Festival. Her name be 'Selling It. I'm co-hosting it with the illustrious Susie Felber (pictured). It's a show, yo.. but we've got a hook. Sitting down? All the comics work "day jobs" in advertising. You can breathe now. I know... that's hot.

2005-08-14T04:22:00.000-04:00

BRUTAL HONESTY: I HAVE FOOD ISSUES! A night of tell-all tales hosted by Becky Yamamoto, Giulia Rozzi and Lianne Stokes!

Dishing and divulging about nibblin' too much are: MICHELLE COLLINS! MATT McCARTHY, RACHEL KRAMER BUSSEL and more!!! Come out to Otto's Shrunken Head on 8/17 @ 9:30!